I finally get off my ass and screw around with my parents marriage by setting up a sex scene in their backyard that fingers my Dad, literally, as being a cheating, no good, peanut butter obsessed sex fiend. Happy Birthday!!

I went all out and purchased a gift for my parents this Holiday Season that was so insane they had seizures and got carpet burns all over their faces.

I finally get off my ass and do a review on the Jones Soda Holiday Pack 2006 after all the other sites beat me to it, but I have video and those little shits don't! (Their reviews are still hilarious, but not as funny as mine)

Once it meant something to be a complete lard-ass, but now it is just trendy. So I decide to perform an experiment where I become vegetarian for 1 month to see what the effects are. Plus, I really hate vegetables and want to crush them in my mouth.

I get lonely one weekend and create a gold plated jewel encrusted turkey baster, created missing posters for it, post them at Arizona State University, create an online voicemail so people can leave me messages about it, return some of the calls, and then sell the turkey baster on eBay. Seriously.

Having nothing better to do I create a wooden sign that pronounces where Tasty Meat Logs can be found with an arrow guiding the way. There are no actual meat logs to be found. I am hilarious.

I have been purchasing all sorts of ghoulish goods for the 2006 Halloween season and finally give you a review of them. I also suspend my body from the ceiling with fish hooks.

I visit Quiznos and get tired of dealing with their mongoliodness so I write them a loving letter of intervention, then I drink a bottle of bleach.

I go to the store and stock up on energy drink to see exactly which ones work and which ones taste like piss. I also have an alien growing in my belly.

I pack up the RV, leave Clark Griswald's driveway, and head to Las Vegas for a night. Aardvarks are mystical creatures as well.

I got bored of living one day and decided to give myself an assignment a 3rd grader would do. I wrote an essay about Stonewall Jackson and bit off my own tongue.

I got bored and decided to catalog my collection of horrible clipart. I also do the texas-two-step.

JC Penney jacks around with me enough that I finally breakdown and shoot tear gas into their store. Actually, I just wrote an angry letter.

I finally break down and play with a food toy over 6 months old. I find out that carbonated candy does indeed burn the eyes when applied like Visine.

The Burger King King finally creeps me out enough to write a letter to the BK headquarters about the son I really don't have and the trauma he has suffered. I also dance about my apartment like an wounded walrus.

It is Valentine's Day 2006 and I receive one of the weirdest emails yet from my domain name registrar. I decide to write them and tell them how aroused I am by it and pirates in general.

I drop to an all new laziness low and decide to post angry letters I sent to businesses that pissed me off for one reason or another. Somewhere a fat kid cries.

Losing all hope in humanity and deciding to be really mean to my family, I force them all to taste test the Jone's Soda Holiday Pack for me to ring in the New Year. I am now hated in 5 states.

Having prepared months in advance, I tear into Christmas morning like Ozzy on a bat and celebrate xmas by paying homage to the lord of darkness himself...Lucifer.

I have seen the ghost of Christmas past and his name is Choxie and he hates children and taste buds.

I go bat-shit crazy and purchase tons of Halloween candy to review. I also find myself in a diabetic coma within hours.

I step in to help parents with their costume shopping for their children. I also soiled myself as I typed this.

I purchase Starscream the Decepticon Transformer and we lock ourselves in the closet for some heavy petting.