I am the fattest laziest bastard you will ever meet, more than likely. Sure I have gotten some new toys that I would love to write an article about, but I have been so bat-shit busy lately I haven’t gotten a chance to get anything done. That, coupled with the fact that my house looks like the Transformers had an all out battle raging for weeks throughout my apartment, is why you aren’t getting a nice and tidy review. No, instead of that you are getting something much more personal and special.
Growing up fat allows you to silently build up a lot of pent-up aggression and rage. You are bitter and angry and you aren’t too selective on who you take out your fat fury on. You remember Chunk from the Goonies? He killed over 4,210 people just because they wanted him to do the truffle shuffle. He really hated the truffle shuffle and so do I. Dr. Phil loves the truffle shuffle....sick bald headed bastard.
This week you get to see me take out some of my fatty belligerence on 2 products or places that pissed me off. I have a short fuse, not unlike other body parts, and it doesn’t take much incompetence to set that fuse ablaze. I know that whom ever receives my silly letters could actually give a shit less about what I am ranting and raving about, so I like to spice them up in the hopes of having more than once person read it before it goes in the trash can. Sit back and enjoy as I work my magic and weave together a plethora of hate of lies for you to enjoy.
Wendy’s fast food restaurant is a place I frequent often because; a) I am fat and b) it is very close to my house. Trying to order at my local Wendy’s restaurant is much like chewing a 4-pack of light bulbs in your mouth, drinking some freshly squeezed lemon juice, and then trying to recite the alphabet backwards while hopping on one foot spinning counter-clockwise while a midget saws off your big toe with a dull rusty butter knife. Needless to say after a long day of gaining weight Wendy’s is not the place you want to visit if you actually want to eat what you ordered or keep your blood pressure low so you don’t give yourself an aneurism. Join me as we visit my bitter hateful email I sent to Wendy’s exec’s because I had nothing else better to do:
Dear Wendy's,
I have shopped at the Tatum and Cactus Wendy's store next to the Paradise Valley Mall in Phoenix, Arizona for about 4 years now. I am excited every time we get to go because you never really know what is going to end up in your sack. Plus, when I visit this particular Wendy's restaurant it feels like I visit the very interior of Mexico. At any point during my visit I wouldn't blink twice if I saw children whipping sticks around beating the crap out of piñatas or the local street carnita vendor roll by peddling his coca-cola flavored pork treats. This Wendy's basically gives me a little vacation and adventure every time we decide to dine there. I love it!
I understand that you like to employ illegal immigrants to work in this particular store and I wouldn't be surprised if there was a tunnel leading directly from the Mazatlan area in the heart of Mexico underneath the deep fat fryer. I am not blaming you for hiring illegal immigrants, because frankly I don't want to work at Wendy's, but if you are going to hire them can you please keep them off the drive-thru position? I find it is advantageous to place someone that speaks fluent English on the drive-thru to speed up ordering and accuracy. When I roll up to the drive-thru speaker I always feel like Robin Williams from Good Morning Vietnam trying to teach English to my eager, but inept students.
No matter what I order it is always messed up and it usually involves chicken some how. Do these illegal immigrant workers you employ have a chicken fetish? I could order a damn salad and a coke and I would get a chicken sandwich with a side of sour cream. Lets say I just ask what kind of salad dressing they have, I would be informed my order was $1.99 and to please pull around. I never even try to order anything but the most basic items because frankly I don't want to try and use sign language and gesturing to teach the Latino version of Corky from Life Goes On what I want for my meal. I haven't tried to haggle them down in price yet, so maybe I will try that this Tuesday.
Last night I made a simple order consisting of chili and a frosty. I was forced to pull-up because my "chicken" wasn't ready. I just pulled up because I have no idea what the hell is going on and trying to ask what the problem is tends to end up with a lot of broken English and gibberish. Before I know it I was part of an ancient Mayan ceremony paying homage to Quezecotl by adorning me with a brightly colored feather headdress, stripping me naked, dipping my genitalia in honey mustard and staking me out in the sun for the fire ants. Unless you have had several thousand fire ants nibbling away at your genitalia I don't even want to hear a comment. Now my genitalia are completely scared and there is no way I am going to be able to wear that new bikini I purchased to swim at Cooper's Quarry this summer with my friends. Oh yeah, instead of chili and a frosty I was eventually given chicken nuggets and a Coke after a 10-minute wait.
To sum up, please hire at least one fluent English speaker on every shift who is a dedicated drive-thru worker. While this may seem like a no-brainer apparently the management over at the Tatum and Cactus Wendy's seems to think I enjoy playing Pictionary every time I want to order some food. Until this is done I am afraid I will have to sit in the mall parking lot and scowl in Wendy's general direction.
I have also made a game out of it as well. I wasn't going to tell you, but it excites me so much I must share. Now when I pull up to order food and the person on the other end of the speaker greets me in broken English I order my entire meal in German. I figure if the management want to make it fun language day every day at this particular Wendy's I will help them out with a little Deutschland fun. You should hear those silly bastards on the other end of the speaker try to figure out what the hell I am ordering. Did you know that Wendy's doesn't server weiner-schnitzel? Neither did I! Sometimes cars get backed up into the mall parking lot with a large group of angry customers. IT IS GREAT!!!
Thank you for your time.
LaVarious
The next letter is a spicy piece I wrote to Aladdin Software, the creators of the Stuffit Compression software used in Apple computers. If anyone even slightly knows me, they know I detest Apple computers. I have grown up on both and have used both my entire life and I find that Apple computers are retarded about 99% of the time for one reason or another. Sure, they might look nice, but you can dress up Franklin the deaf-mute and teach him to smile without trying to bite his own face off, but it won’t make him stop shitting his pants in public. Anyway, I got tired of sitting around wasting my time waiting on this compression software to actually compress something, so I wrote the people over at Stuffit a nice little letter.
Dear Stuff It,
I have been using your product for years. Mainly I have been using it because I am being forced to work on a Macintosh instead of any actual want or desire to use it. I have a question, seriously it is coming up so don't miss it. If I want to zip a file on my PC at home using WinZip it takes about 3 seconds of my time and I usually think about butterflies and rainbows during that time. When I want to compress the same file on my Mac I have to use Stuff It which only takes about 3 years to complete and the blood of 40 homeless people.
Why does Stuff It take so long to compress files? When I stuff files using Stuff It instead of seeing butterflies and puppies I see a world that has been annihilated by the war between man and machine. I see a bald Cowboy Curtis speaking in riddles about Jungian philosophy while the machines relentlessly try to eradicate the human scourge. You know what started this war? Stuff It Deluxe. The machines were so outraged by the humans attempts at compression software that they developed AI to rid the world of your feeble fumbling with technology.
Right now I am sitting at work doing nothing but waiting on things to Stuff and I am into overtime. Why does it take so long? Why can't I go home like normal people instead of sitting here watching Stuff It's ridiculous status bar inch across the screen at much the same pace that my rage meter inches across my HUD. If Stuff It were meat I would become a vegetarian. If Stuff It was a single celled organism I would become a euglena and whip it with my flagella. I want an apology for making me sit here wasting my time and I would also like some coupons to local fast food restaurants since I am now going to miss dinner.
I look forward to your prompt reply.
LaVarious
Well, that wraps up my bitter letters this week. I haven’t received replies to either of them so either they are slowly making their way through the office to the tears and giggles of the office staff or they ended up in the spam box never to be seen again. If I do actually get a response to either letter I will make sure to post it for all to enjoy. Have a good weekend and try not to pretend you are Batman and can swing from your “repel line” from your 3rd story balcony to the ground just because you have on a child’s mask and cape. That is how ankles are broken. Seriously.
-LaVarious
2 -11-06
