I live in an area of the city with a lot of
old people. People who already have one foot in the grave and
another foot in their gold 1987 Cadillac cruising down the highway
at 15mph. These are people we call snowbirds,
who have nothing better to do in the winter months than plague
my poor city and snarl up traffic at all times of day and night.
These are your grandparents and I am not afraid to say I hate
them. These people also seem to lose everything if it is not zip
tied to their crotch. On the gates leading into my neighborhood
there are constantly signs posted for people missing this or that
and offering a reward, so I got an idea of my own. What if someone
misplaced something so valuable, so precious, so retarded that
you couldn't help but stop and think about it for at least 2 minutes
before their brain melts and they continue on their merry way
forever changed? This item would make you want to piss your pants
because you become so confused. Thus my idea was born.
I have always had a fascination with turkey
basters since I was young. I have no idea why, but me and the
turkey baster have a special bond that no one has been able to
break in my 28 years of fat-life. Is it their ability to make
meat tender? Is it the fact that they have a rubber ball on the
end to suck up liquids? Is it the fact that it looks like a giant
dildo and you use it in the kitchen? We may never know, but what
we do know is turkey basters are pretty damn sweet.
Now to just lose a turkey baster and place signs
up would be sort of weird, but nothing to make you really stop
and ponder life in general. But imagine a turkey baster plated
in gold and encrusted in semi-precious and precious stones? Now
that is a turkey baster that would make you have a seizure right
there on the sidewalk. So my dream was born: To create a golden
turkey baster encrusted with semi-precious stones, post “missing/reward”
flyers in public places, and leave a voice mail number where people
can reach me to leave messages about my lost item. Even if you
don’t think this is hilarious I do, and that is the only
person I am really trying to entertain here.
At first I thought I would just post them around
my neighborhood and wait for some calls, but old people are old
and that means they are also retarded. I didn’t think I
would get many calls from them because they would probably just
get confused and walk into traffic on the nearby highway. I decided
to take my show on the road and head to Arizona State University
in Tempe, Arizona and post flyers all over campus. I figured that
college kids, wait I mean drunk college kids, would be more likely
to read the flyers and pick up their cell phones to give me a
call. If I saw something that bizarre when I was in college and
there was a phone number associated with it I would at least prank
the phone number just to give myself some satisfaction. How many
calls will I get? It is hard to say, because kids are so damn
lazy, but I would be happy with one.
Now, you may be asking yourself, “Where
do you get a gold turkey baster encrusted in semi-precious stones?”
Well, you would obviously come over to my house because I now
have one. I created it from scratch one lonely Friday evening
when I had nothing else better to do than view porn and play video
games…well, I guess that is every Friday actually.
I started off by heading to Target to purchase
a turkey baster, but all of their turkey basters were too damn
fancy with extra gadgets and doo-dads connected to them. I wanted
a piece-of-shit junky turkey baster. So, I went to the one place
I go whenever I need something cheap, junky, and generic….Wal-mart.
I picked up a shitty turkey baster at Wal-mart for just under
$2. After that I headed to Michael’s, an arts and crafts
store where your grandmother shops. There I purchased 3 bags of
jewels in varying sizes, a glue gun, some glue sticks, and a can
of gold spray paint. My total at Michael’s ran about $17.
Once I got home I began layering on coats
of paint to the turkey baster. I believe I totaled about 2 coats
over the entire object and it really started to look nice. It
seriously did look like an actual golden turkey baster. Even my
wife was impressed with how nicely the gold paint looked on my
crappy Wal-mart purchase.
After the paint was dry I brought the
entire project inside so I could watch Meercat Manor and blister
my fingers with molten plastic. I decided I didn't want the turkey
baster to look like a jewel encrusted cat turd, so I tried to
start laying out a symmetrical pattern. I wanted the small "diamond"
jewels to flank 4 sides of the tube and run in straight lines
to the base of the bulb. Wow, that sounded pretty homoerotic,
as usual. About 1 out of every 10 small jewels I glued on I burnt
the shit out of myself. Sure, I could have used tweezers, but
tweezers won't allow you to wallow in your own agonizing stupidity
for hours afterwards.
After I got the tube, or what I like to
call the baster shaft, finished I started working the medium sized
jewels into the base, and then worked all 3 sizes onto the bulb.
Lori thought the finished piece looked like some sort of royal
dildo, but I thought it looked more like Evil Lynn's scepter from
Masters of the Universe. Lori is a friggin' weirdo.
With my hands wrapped in gauze, like a
burn victim or Darkman, I snapped a few photos of the piece and
got ready to import it into Photoshop. With some minor tweaking,
not the illegal kind, I was ready to insert the photo into InDesign
and create my missing turkey baster flyer. I decided to have the
photo rather large with large scale supporting text and smaller
secondary text giving a brief description of the turkey baster.
Want to post the flyer up around your
town? Click
here (5mb, not for slow computers) to download and
print the PDF file. Here is the supporting text I used:
We have lost a family heirloom. Our
jewel-encrusted gold plated turkey baster has been misplaced
and we are seeking your help to locate it. Given to my great
great great grandfather by a drunken Mayan medicine man this
relic is said to baste the most tender
turkey meat in all the land. Legend has it that grown men
have wept after consuming the juicy flesh of cooked fowl prepared
with our heirloom. If you have seen this turkey baster or
have any information on its location PLEASE contact us. The
slightest bit of information will help us track down our lost
artifact. Thank you. |
With my flyer complete it was time to
head to Arizona State University to hatch my evil plan. We had
100 copies printed and started posting them everywhere from newspapers
dispensers and dorm entryways to the student union and information
kiosks. We were like a trio of busy worker gnomes set about our
business with nothing and no one allowed to get in our way. The
below photos are of our blessed trip to ASU and all the mischief
we caused while there:
I molest a trash can with
my missing turkey baster flyer.
Look, it is Lori and though
she may look drunk on alcohol she is really just drunk on turkey
baster humor.
I pillage a lamp post in
the name of tender meat.
The Palo Verde West dormitory
sign gets pwned by my 1337n355.
Information kiosks are
my bitches.
Jason does double duty
on this Qwest payphone. I was surprised to see pay phones.
Jason just pissed his pants
from excitement.
After finishing her doctorate
thesis Lori decides to help me look for my missing turkey baster.
I crawled into a viet-cong
tunnel to post this bad-boy up for all the VC to see.
People getting their paper
in the morning will also be informed of my missing heirloom.
I cover up other advertisements
and announcements because mine is most important.
I am brining sexy back.
Look at how Lori is not
posting on the other bulletins, what a nub!
This sign was a perfect
fit for my flyer, it looks more official in a hat.
We don't know what the hell this
thing was. It sort of looks like pumpkin guts, but none of us
could say it was for certain.
I put hits of acid on the paper
to try and get hippies in on the action and to spread the word.
I scared the hell out of some
kids outside this dorm, stole their lunches, and then posted my
notice.
Well, we finished up the last flyer
around 11:30pm and decided to call it a night. We covered a pretty
large swath of campus, hitting a few dorms and major walkways.
We also hit the student union and a few bars and major intersections
down University Drive. As the night wore on I tried handing a
few flyers out, a few were taken, most didn't want anything to
do with a fat guy in a black hoodie. Before calling it quits I
stuck some on vehicle windshields. By the time we got home I already
had one voice mail.
I will post all of the voicemail
I receive about the missing turkey baster below. The links on
the left are the original calls, the links on the right are my
return calls and their multiple other calls if they called me
more than once.:
Text in blue is my description
of the call.
Text in gray is my return call.
Text in orange is their return call.
Original
Call |
Descriptions/Returned
Calls |
| |
It seems this caller is foreign
AND drunk |
|
This person thinks I am buying turkey
basters at first, then realizes the insanity as he reads
on
--I leave
a voicemail for this person thanking them for finding
my turkey baster |
|
This person is holding my turkey baster
for ransom...the bastard! |
|
The time elapsed on their ransom demand,
so they call back to inform me they still have the baster
--Well, I just couldn't let these
pranksters call without responding, so I gave them a call
back to inquire about the ransom and leave them a voicemail.
--They call
me back and inform me of a new meeting place.
--Again they
call trying to get a response, but I haven't taken the
time to call back yet.
--They really want to speak with me and leave
me yet another message.
--I finally give my boys a call
back and they about shit their pants with excitement. |
|
It seems ransom is the theme of my calls,
someone is wanting 2 million
--I
just had to call
these people to see how I can get my turkey baster back,
well technically Cletus calls. |
|
A very effeminate man calls me and tells
me something about a mountain
--I
gave him
a call to see what was up and he was actually really nice
and I think he thought I was really looking for it. |
|
I get an ominous call from a stranger telling
me they have my baster
--I
call them back and get
some weird rap voicemail, so I leave a message. |
|
I get a call from the mob about my turkey
baster
--I have to call
her back because she sounds like she can kick my ass and
that is teh sexy. |
|
Some jackass calls and I think he might
be funny then he rambles on and I realize he is a fucking
tard.
-Since his call was SO original I call
Kevin back and just keep repeating his name. I think he
is confused. |
|
Some hot chick calls me and wants me
to call her, who am I to disappoint?
--I call
my mysterious hottie, but all I get is her voicemail, so
I leave her a message.
--I give the mysterious hottie another
call
to find out she is nothing more than a little tease who
sounds emo and is all hopped up on Zoloft.
--Well, the Zoloft emo chick game me "Eb's"
phone number, so Cletus calls
him and tell him to quit messing around with his girlfriend.
He has no clue what the hell is going on. |
|
Some jackass calls and tells me I know
where to meet him if I want my turkey baster back alive.
--I call
to remind him a turkey baster is an inanimate object. |
*****BONUS CRAP*****
No, I couldn't just stop with posting signs
about the turkey baster on a college campus. I knew it was getting
close to the Christmas season, not to mention Thanksgiving, so
I decided I would put my golden jewel encrusted turkey baster
up for sale on eBay
to see what sort of money I could make with my family heirloom.
-LaVarious
11-14-06
