What we’ve got here is a failure to communicate. What does that mean? I have no idea, but I’ve always wanted to say it in a creepy 90 year old ladies voice. Yes, we’re finally back with a new article to amuse or disgust you. I have pulled out all of the stops on this one and reached deep into my wallet for some late night fun. Let me introduce you to my latest toy...a remote controlled Batmobile from the newest Batman flick, Batman Begins.

We went to Wal-mart one evening when I decided there was more to life at 3am than dosing up on pills and wandering around Wal-mart looking for toys. Wait...I mean that is all there is in life. Get used to it kids, Wal-mart at 3am is basically what living is all about. Well, that and getting to use the word “Wal-mart” 341 times in an article. Goddamn it Sam Walton, I love you and your worm riddled corpse.

So, we are visiting Sam’s store when I happen down the toy isle looking for something to take my mind off the donuts that are on the other side of the store and are begging me to eat them all after dipping them in melted butter. I love pastries, buttery pastries. Anyway, I happen down the toy isle when I stop dead in my tracks, mouth open like I am Jenna Jameson waiting on Oscar Meyer, and can barely form a rational; or irrational, thought in my fat head. I behold every kids dream sitting on the shelf before me in all of its matte black goodness, a enormous remote controlled Batmobile.

The first thing I note is this monstrosities size. The damn thing is as gigantic as Dan Connor’s love of the Lobo Lounge on his birthday with his official “beer helmet”. It is easily 2 cubits long by ½ a cubit tall. Yes, we are storing it in the Arc of the Covenant at the moment so Satan can't take it out for a spin. You can easily see by the photo above this thing dwarfs my 20 dollar bill. Actually, it isn’t my $20, I stole it out of my wife’s purse, but don’t tell her or she will beat the living shit out of me. I bet she couldn’t get lunch today at work because of it and she is going to come home madder than hell with a "hunger headache" and a machette with my name on it. I have also placed the Batmobile beside my jar of Jif peanut butter incase you aren’t used to such high denominations as $20 bills. Choosy kids choose Jif because of the extra razor blades in every spoonful.

After the shock of seeing this enormous toy I began to debate about the price. Sure, it was $120, but that is $120 of Batmobile driving fun while groceries only seem to disappear in our house after we purchase them. The great thing was that our grocery bills are usually around $120, but the Batmobile won’t disappear after a week. I decided we could fast for the next week and enjoy my new mechanicalized wonder. The damn thing was so big we couldn’t even fit it into the trunk of the Toyota Echo so it had to ride in the back seat like my new bastardized step child.

When we got home I torn into the packaging like a pedophile tears into a kindergarten classroom. Not only was the Batmobile large, it had some weight to it as well. I would say, in total, the Batmobile weighs about as much as a wet 3rd graders torso. I love torsos. I love the Batmobile. I miss you Adam West.

The first thing I checked out was the steering control. You can see on the front of the Batmobile that there are 2 wheels that don’t look like they have any directional control. Well, they look that way because they don’t you fucking idiot. The whole steering mechanism is located underneath the car and is simply a 3rd wheel. The 2 front tires are nothing more than 2 tires that look pretty, kind of like the 2 Hilton sisters, only these don’t have abnormally long torsos that could wrap around your face and smother you. I love torsos...and respect their ability to suffocate people at a moments notice.

The next item to fall out of the box and into my groin was the remote control. Oddly enough this wasn’t on display in the box and I can tell you why...it is the biggest piece of shit in the world. The Batmobile has some real bulk to it. They obviously have spent shitloads of hours creating it and building it in development, but it looks as if the remote control was created by a 2 year old who got drunk off isopropyl alcohol. The control is really crappy with 2 crappy orange buttons that are about as well designed as a big piece of dog shit. That is right, dog shit. I hate those buttons. The antennae is a little wire that waves about like it is happy it was used in a remote control instead of being eaten by a goat and then expelled out of the goat's ass as goat shit. That is what goat shit is...goat shit. The remote is so generic and lame that the developers had to put a goddamn Batman sticker on it so you wouldn’t think some kid's retarded Teletubby remote control didn’t fall into your box on accident.

Well, those were the major pieces of the package. Now I knew the thing had to be powered some how, but I was still hoping it could run off the consumed souls of unbaptised children, because frankly I have too many of those laying around the way it is. Unfortunately, the battery fell out of the box and mocked me and my mass quantity of unconsumed children’s souls. The instructions say, depending on the driving style, the battery could last 20 minutes. What if your “driving style” involves dipping the Batmobile in the boiled fat of 1,000 unclean infants while paying homage to Lucifer so that you can fly? The instructions never mentioned it, so I decided not to test it out.

I plug the battery into my unholy bat car and usher forth armageddon with reckless abandon. I press the crappy ass orange buttons on the controller and the back tires, all 4, go freak’n insane and “burn out” on the carpet as my evil car begins to chase the cats around the house with the speed of 204 insane mimes. I notice for the first time the car has lights and sounds that activate when you drive it. The “after burner” on the back lights up and weird little orange headlights of the front turn on. The sounds are that of a car peeling out on a mountain of corpses as the Devil has a hearty laugh in the background. I love this thing.

After bashing about the house and making enough racket to drive the downstairs neighbors to the brink of insanity, we decide to take it out into the parking lot to tear up some asphalt. We are out there making the thing do donuts, jump curbs, make noises like it came screaming straight from the bowels of hell. Then people begin coming outside, wondering why the hell a fat kid is making so much noise at 3:45am when he should be inside watching X-Files DVD's and consuming large quantities of pizza. Before the villagers can gather enough pitch forks and torches we retreat back into our slum apartment sanctuary to slumber the sleep of death when the sun comes up

Overall all the Batmobile is completely kick-ass. It is huge, it is durable, and I managed to turn 2 of our cats into quadriplegics with it. The battery life is average with my driving style and can stayed charged and running at full steam for a good 20-25 minutes. The car does great of carpet, sidewalks, and the open road, but has problems in grass, unpacked sand, gravel, and large piles of children's teeth because of the 3rd wheel used to steer it. The remote definetely needs some work and needs to be unique just like the Batmobile itself, but you could always shell out some cash at a hobby store for a customizable remote if it got on your nerves too bad.

Update:

We went back to Wal-mart the other morning and found that the Batmobiles are indeed still there, only they have almost doubled in price and are now retailing at $200 a pop. I believe Wal-mart has the monopoly on them because I have never once seen another one outside of Sam’s Wolrd of Pain. I would say the toy is worth $120, but I don’t think even my sad fat pathetic ass could shell out $200 for them, at least not with the shitty ass Teletubbies remote they come with.

**Bonus Crap**

Here is a photo of the Batmobile with my trusty sidekick...the "Devil Duck":

 

-LaVarious
09 -25-05