You know what creeps me the hell out? No, it isn’t the crossing of late 80's sitcoms like Diff’rnt Strokes and Facts of Life, although I did find it disturbing when Arnold was talking to Blair and Tootie. It was sort of like 2 worlds smashed into each other and I was watching the aftermath, with lots of aquanet hairspray and colorful sweaters. What really creeps me out is the Burger King freakshow who sort of stalks people and offers them food.

First off, if some plastic headed bastard is in my house, laying in my bed with me, possibly watching me sleep the entire night as he loomed over me, do you seriously think I am going to wake up and eat a crossandwich from him? Who knows what the hell he did to you while you were unconcious, let alone that poor crossandwich that appears out of no where.

Secondly, the dude gets into your locked private property. He pops up in your house, he appears in the backseat of your car, he summons Glomer from the Punky Brewster cartoon to do his evil bidding, who knows what he does with your things in his spare time. This guy is like freakin Houdini and he pulls breakfast food out of his ass. Why can’t he be mauled by a pet tiger?

Well, I decided enough was enough and I wrote a letter to let Burger King know exactly what this damn Burger King character did to my son. Sure, I don’t really have a son and I simply wrote the letter because Star Wars Galaxies was patching and it was taking forever, but I am sure the people who read my email were at least slightly entertained by it. If not you will need to make up my entertainment quota by literally laughing your ass off and if I don’t see bodyless asses walking around tomorrow I will know I am a failure as a human.

Dear Burger King,

I am a simple man with a simple life. I have a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence and a lush backyard for my 2 golden retrievers, Skip and Chip, to frolic in. I have a lovely wife who likes to spend her time working on PTA activities and doing candle parties. I also have a 9 year old son named little Timmy. Little Timmy used to be normal until you started airing those damn “King” commercials where you have your Burger King mascot with the plastic head in everyday situations. When my son first saw the BK commercial where you have a grown man wake up and find the King sitting next to him, blankly staring into the blackness of his evil-burger soul, my son shit his pants and screamed for over half-an-hour. We aren’t talking about a normal crying sound, he was shrieking like a damn banshee until he finally blew out his vocals cords, which I am thankful for. I thank you for the entire next week which had little Timmy sleeping in our bed, rolling over in the night kicking me in the nuts, and wetting the bed for the dreams he would have about the King.

Finally, things settled down and he was able to continue his normal life, but would now avoid all forms of royalty and he wasn’t very fond of crowns either. When your BK commercial would come on we would quickly change the channel or have Timmy answer some multiplication flash cards for school until the commercial was over. One evening as we were gathered around our TV watching the wacky antics of Ben and Mike Seever on the Growing Pains reunion movie, your new BK commercial came on. Neither my wife or I were prepared for this new commercial and let it play as little Timmy watched on. When little Timmy saw the King in that driver’s rear-view mirror he wet himself and started violently tugging at his genital region while pushing himself across the carpet bent over on his face squealing the entire time. As he violently smashed his head against the wall this was enough to render him unconscious and we were able to clean up his wounds and get him a fresh set of clothes. He had a rug burn on the left side of his face for over 3 weeks and refused to get into the minivan to go anywhere with us for fear the King might be lurking in the backseat somewhere. Finally we had to resort to giving him large quantities of NyQuil to knock him out when we had to travel.

Sure, the last time this sort of thing happened he finally got over it, but this time some serious psychological damage was done. He was constantly looking in the back seat of cars when we would go out on walks and if anyone even said the word “king” he would drop to the ground and start having convulsions. We would have to shove a wallet in his mouth so he wouldn’t bite off his own tongue. We were getting desperate to have a normal life and have little Timmy back the way he was before “the King”.

We really had no idea what to do, so I decided we should get him a Burger King King costume so he could face his fears. Sure, as he opened up the box and found the Kings head staring back at him he torn the hell out of the linoleum with his soccer cleats as he tried to run away and partially blinded poor Skip when he got in little Timmy's path, but we finally coaxed him back into the room and showed him the costume was nothing to be scared of. Finally we had to resort to duck taping him to a chair and setting the King mask on his lap. Sure he might have passed out of few times from lack of oxygen caused by screaming so much, but eventually he got used to it. We even got him to try it on without trying to scratch his own eyes out, the secret was oven mitts and bailing twine.

Now you probably think that all is well and life is back to normal around my house. Well, you would be retarded if you thought that. No, because of your damn King commercials we have a new problem. Since getting the costume and finally getting over his King fears he now wears the damn thing around all the time. Sure, it isn’t too weird to have your kid in a plastic oversized king mask wearing royal robes and stockings, but he mimics the damn king from the commercial and won’t say a word. He also has that whole "slow moving head" thing down that the king does when he watches you. At first it was kind of funny and then it got sort of creepy. I mean, have you ever seen the movie Halloween? Michael Meyers was a kid in the very beginning of that movie that dawned a Halloween mask and murdered his sister. This isn’t really a good thought to have when your kid is sitting across the room from your staring at your with the king costume on not moving a muscle.

I want you people to come over here and look at what you did. My poor wife can’t even walk around the house anymore because we don’t know where little Timmy will be lurking. The dogs have to be locked outside because they tear into him like a rag doll with that damn outfit on and my neighbors constantly stare when he is outside mowing the lawn. I have been constantly awakened in the night as the King looms over my bed while I sleep and silently watches me for hours at a time. I want you people to come to my house and apologize to me, my family, my partially blinded dogs, and the psychologist we are taking little Timmy to. He says he has never seen this type of distorted behavior in all of his years. I would also like Burger King to cater my office softball game this coming Thursday. I expect a fast and speedious reply. Speedious isn’t even a word, that is how serious I am.

Yours fattly,

LaVarious

 

***BONUS CRAP***

Check out some of the King commercials by clicking on the links below:

The King in bed (Quicktime)

The King in your car (Quicktime)

The King with your Dog (Quicktime)

The King at a basketball game (Google link)

The King at the beach (Google link)

 

-LaVarious
2 -16-06