Well if it isn’t the Halloween season. Time for bobbing for apples, hay rides, haunted houses, and putting small bits of glass and needles in candy. This has always been one of my favorite holidays, running almost neck and neck with xmas, but I only like xmas because I get shit loads of new toys to play with. Yes, I did leave the christ right out of christmas, just the way it was intended since the beginning of time.

This article was inspired by all of the ads I have been getting for the spooky holiday season loaded with a plethora of costumes for young and old alike to pretend they are someone else so they can get drunk and have sex with Kathy from the office because it was “Frankenstein’s Monster”, not you, who took her morlock looking ass home to show off your new polished nuts and bolts. Don’t worry, most people were so drunk they barely noticed you were slobbering all over your bell ringing co-worker dubbed “Kathy-Modo”. That hump on her back is where she hides all of the chocolate eggs she lays while humming Flock of Seagulls tunes under her breath.

Halloween is a very inspiring time for kids. I would know since on my 9th Halloween I summoned a demon named Falcor and he flew threw the sky with me on his back while he pointed out various landmarks all over the world before he would swoop down and take a fly-by-shit on each one. It was a very special night.

Kids will start thinking about next years Halloween costume about 3 years prior to the actual occasion. Most costumes thought up are more extravagant than Pee-Wee’s actual playhouse, Konky and all. Eventually, as time dwindles away, you actually have to scrap that drawing you did of your costume that involved 3,000 beaded sequins, 2 gallons of baby oil, and 1 dead but surprisingly fresh baby seal. When that time occurs you have to rely on Parents and your local store for a costume to impress your classmates.

This is where it can get tricky for parents because something you think looks great will actually get your kids ass kicked three months after Halloween. So, being the understanding and kind person that I am, I have decided to give you a few clues on what to look for and what not to look for. Of course, since I don’t actually have any children, your kid could still get his ass kicked, but at least it wasn’t your fault it happened. So lets get started with the list:

Do dress your child as a super hero. I would suggest something dark and brooding such as Batman, because not only are you telling your kids friends you are hip, but after you die your son will be able to blame himself for your deaths and will dress in tights and a cape to avenge you.

Do not dress your child as gayified super hero. Spider-man does kick ass, but Spider-man Beatnik who wears his Spider-beret while playing Spider-jazz at his local coffee shop before breaking out and doing some free form Spider-skat will probably get his spider-ass kicked. When I saw this photo I just wanted to kick the kid in the nuts and I am 27 years old.

Do let your child dress as the Grim Reaper with a scythe and a bloody oozing chest. Nothing tells older kids, “Stay the fuck away from my candy bag or I will dry hump your eye socket” more than a bloody skeleton with a weapon.

Do not go behind your local Sears to get a refrigerator box and paint it to look like a Superman costume that your kid has to wear. This costume is horrible because not only are you telling his classmates he is so poor he can’t actually purchase a real costume, but from behind it will look like he is molesting Superman. Plus when he walks around that piece of yarn around his neck holding the costume up is going to sever his spine when a gust a wind decides to whip that piece of shit costume around. Christ, I should punch you for even looking at this.

Do let your child dress up as the continuously drunk and crafty pirate Captain Jack Sparrow from the motion picture Pirates of the Carribean. Not only will he look like a bad ass in his little swashbuckling costume he can also carry around a bottle of rum and get blitzed and no parents will know the difference...they will just think he is “in character.”

Do not let your child dress up as a complete fucktard. This costume is pathetic. Dr. Toxic appears to have a real snot problem, which is not going to get him any ladies in the years to come, not to mention that asstastic pose he has going for him. Who the hell is Dr. Toxic anyway? At least with Captain Jack Sparrow you were pulling from an actual character instead of some lame ass doctor someone thought would be a cute costume while they were constipated with severe stomach cramps on the commute into work riding on the L train next to the bum who tries to bite his own face off. Tell you what, if you dress your kid like this little bastard I will come over to your house and screw your wife in front of him.

Do dress your kid as the fallen angel himself and leader of hell’s minions, Lucifer. Not only is Lucifer hilarious to have around at parties he can also steal the souls of fellow classmates who choose not to congratulate him on his awesome satanic costume.

Do not dress your kid as a caterpillar with tumors. Not only does it creep me out I bet he looks like a little green maggot when he squirms around. You can either dress your kid as a caterpillar or a tumor, but please...not both. The kid in that photo looks like he is going to screech across the room and latch onto my face.

Do let you kid dress as a kick ass pirate who gets to rape and pillage. Not only were pirates constantly drunk, they were also womanizers and that is sexy to children. Anytime you get to wear an eye patch is a time to celebrate by stabbing your friends with plastic rapiers.

Do not dress your kid as the gayest pirate in town. Not only will he not be pillaging, he will probably be raped. Kids don’t like to be raped, just ask them.

Do dress your child as the father of all vampires, Dracula. Capes are just hot and your kid knows this. Plus he will be able to mess around with fake blood and that always adds at least 3 points to the costume in itself. He will also get to wear a pair of plastic glow-in-the-dark vampire teeth and girls love the drool that will drip out of his slimy mouth when he tries to talk or eat candy corn.

Do not dress him as Walter: The Magical Pedophile. Yes, pedophiles may seem magical, but they really aren’t and most just lure children with peanut butter and puppies instead of top hats and wands.

Do dress your child as a demented monkey. Not only does he get a tail he can also shit his pants and fling it at classmates. Any time defecation and candy mix it is a wondrous time for all.

Do not dress your child as Amputee Superman. What the fuck happened to his legs? Does his willy still work? Did Lex Luthor construct a table saw out of kryptonite to cut his legs off? This costume just raises too many questions and half of them make my brain bleed.

Do let your kids dress as rock stars, like Rob Zombie. Not only will their classmates bow down in respect of the outfit the teachers will be scared to death of them and that always makes children happy.

Do not dress your kid as one of the Village People. Sure, you might think the Village People are "rock stars" and the costume is great, but you have never been bent over a table in the Blue Oyster bar while Steve Guttenburg watches. I miss you and all of your black rage High Tower.

Do dress your child as the Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader. Not only does he wield the dark side of the force, he can also beat the shit out of kids who give him lip with that lightsaber.

Do not dress your child as the Heat Miser. Yes, that claymation cartoon is a classic, but no one will know who the fuck he is supposed to be and if he insists it is a Fantastic Four Human Torch costume the children are likely to lynch him with his gym shoe laces before lunch time.

There you have it, my do’s and don’ts for the Halloween season. Obey them and your children will bring home a bountiful harvest of candy. Do not heed the advice and your children will come home with a bountiful harvest of broken bones and black eyes. How would you like to spend the holiday season, eating mini-snickers bars or having your jaw set and wired shut? You make the call you bunch of sickos.

If you liked this article you might also want to check out my review of Bleeding Brain Candles .

-LaVarious
10-15-05