I have counted down the months, weeks, days, and finally mere hours until Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith was released. I bought my first showing movie tickets over 2 weeks in advance of the release and picked the tickets up the night before the opening. Needless to say I am completely geeked out about the film and have been purchasing everything from replica lightsabers to lightsaber shaped dildos for weeks leading up to the debute. I have broken the review up into 2 sections so as not to spoil everything for you. The first part will be your basic movie review without any details. After that I will clearly mark the "spoiler section" so all of you people who can't wait to get to the theatre can know all about the movie plot before hand.
It is now 3:00am and I have just gotten out of the first public viewing of Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith. I arrived at the movie theater around 9:45pm. Some would ask, “Why so early?”. Others may ask, “Why so late?” If I could have camped outside of the theater I would have but I didn’t figure that would be such a great idea with all of the scorpions and what-not scurrying around the desert at night. My significant other didn’t get off work until 9:00pm or I would have easily have been there at 8pm. Still, we were a good 2 hours and 15 minutes ahead of show time, but I thought our chances of finding a good seat were pretty much nil.
I see outside the theater they have a section roped off for people waiting to view Episode 3, but there was no one in it. I also noticed when we were parking that the lot wasn’t that full. Could the movie be that bad? Are people not showing up? I asked the guy inside taking tickets and he lets me know everyone has already been let inside the theaters. I hastily thrust our tickets to him and we rush to theater number 9.
I could hear a lot of people talking and laughing coming from inside the theater, so there is already a good number of people there. We round the corner and I would say the theater was about 3/4 full with only about ½ the people in it saving seats for others who were not brave, or geeky, enough to arrive ultra-early. We actually got the seats we would normally sit in for any movie, so I was happy. The next 2 hours wouldn’t go by fast enough. You have about half a dozen people watching various Star Wars films on their laptops. You have about a dozen dressed as Jedi or Vader and then you have the weird guy who dressed in all black wearing black spray painted football pads, motocross gear, and a motorcycle helmet. Several people had lightsabers and they were waving them around like it was a rave and techincally...if geeks threw raves...this would have been one.
The movie was really good and was definitely what I was hoping for. The Sound was amazing and the special effects and theatrics were great. Many scenes will really grab your attention with all of the great CGI effects going on. With all of this loud and in-your-face action I would highly recommend viewing it in the theater for the full experience. The space battles alone are enough to make you want to dress your animals as the A-team and charge people via PayPal to watch them run around on your website. Ps...that should be implemented on this site by next week.
The acting was MUCH better in this one than it was in Episode 2. Anakin didn’t feel like a whiny little cry baby who got scolded for touching his winky and instead came off very mature and very twisted. Padme was as lovely as ever and you could really feel a deep chemistry between the actors this time instead of the odd brother/sister relationship that Episode 2 brought forth. Mace Windu, Yoda, R2D2, and C3P0 all make their appearances and work their parts with vigor. R2D2 has several funny moments where you really get to see the spunkiness of the little droid.
The battle sequences that range from space to lightsaber duels are all amazing and quite a sight to behold. Every battle in this film felt very fluid and well choreographed that they almost made you wet your pants with excitement. Luckily I always wear adult diapers. Unluckily I had taco bell for dinner. Seeing these parts of the film on the big screen is a must do. Sure, you may need to buy your elderly grandmother medication, but wouldn’t you rather see an awesome lightsaber duel? That is what I thought.
The story in this movie is very plot driven and definitely ties up a lot of loose ends to prepare you for Episode 4: A New Hope. Not only that but you also get to see what twists a young jedi to become a sith lord. Where Episode 1 felt more like a kids show and Episode 2 felt more like a romantic drama set in the Star Wars universe, Episode 3 is like the deep dark subconscious in George Lucas’ mind, I mean there are things in there I never thought I’d see in a Star Wars film, but I am a sicko and wished he would have pushed it a little further. I mentioned this to others and they thought I may have a chemical imbalance because they said a film as dark as I was describing would have to be X-rated. I swear I didn’t say anything about lightsaber dildos, but they still gave me an X-rating. Bastards!
Overall I was very pleased with the film and it really does plunge to the dark depths as far as content goes. Would I have like it to gone further? Sure, I eat babies. I highly recommend the film to anyone even remotely into Star Wars. Don’t like Ewoks or Jar-Jar Binks? This is the film for you. Not only does it complete the first trilogy, it also was the best film out of the 3 new ones. Is this now my favorite Star Wars film of all time? Possibly, but I will need to watch it a few more times to be sure. This is the movie where my hero is born and 2 plump juicy twins lure me in with their sweet sweet delicious smell. Go watch it now!
How dark is this movie? I was almost completely pleased by it. Yeah, it takes a lot to sate my thirst for blood, death, and the darkside...but they almost have it all. You know the movie is going to be dark where within the first 15minutes Anakin takes off Count Dooku’s head when he knows it is against the Jedi Code. Yeah...I love headless Sith Lords...they make me hungry. The fashion he does it is by far the coolest. After loping off Dooku’s hands he catches Dooku’s lightsaber and scissor clips his head right off. Absolutely priceless!!
The next sinister and dark act we get to behold are Anakin’s visions of Padme dying in child birth. You know he has that whole “death fetish” since his mother and he vows not to let Padme die. Darth Sidious/Emperor Palapatine plays on these feelings and after appointing Anakin to be his eyes and ears on the Jedi council he outright tells Anakin about a Sith legend that one of the lords was able to defeat death and thus allow people to live unnaturally. He then confides in Anakin that he is indeed the Sith lord the Jedi have been hunting and that together they could both work to save Padme. So, basically, Anakin becomes Darth Vader to save his secretive wife because of how much he loves her. Hold on, I have a tear in my eye.
We also get to witness a bad-ass battle between the new villain General Grievous and Obi-wan Kenobi. General Grievous is part droid, part alien and has been trained in the Jedi arts by Count Dooku/Darth Tyranus. He enjoys killing Jedi, whom he loathes, and keeps their lightsabers as war trophies inside his cloak. Grievous duels Obi-wan in a spectacular fight because Grievous is wielding 4 lightsabers in his robotic limbs. Needless to say, the fight is sweet-ass-tastic and put a smile on my fat face the entire time.
As we continue down the path to hell we get to see the transformation of Anakin from Jedi Knight to Sith Lord. What could he possibly do to turn him so evil? How about walking into a room of defenseless Padawan learners, all around the age of 8, and kills every last one of them?! Yeah, I just got goose bumps too. This is where people thought my movie deserved an X-rating, because I wanted to see him lop the heads off some of the kids, but instead we only get to see him ignite his lightsaber and look all evil. This is his true test for the Emperor to show he is now his apprentice and to complete his step to the dark side. At the same time Anakin is leading the Republic Clone soldiers into the Jedi Temple to slaughter all of the Jedi the other clone soldiers who are stationed in various places in the galaxy are informed to assassinate their Jedi leaders. All do in a series of glorious cinematics that made this lard ass break down in tears of joy while watching all those pathetic Jedi fall from grace. Well that and I realized I really had to pee and was probably working on a bladder infection so I could write this review and not miss a moment of the action. If I get sick from this I am contacting you all by phone to get a donation for my new bionic bladder infused with dark side power.
The Jedi are dead. The Emperor has declared the Republic an Empire and now the only 2 Jedi remaining are Obi-wan and Yoda. Yep, we are winding down this film and we know what is coming up. Some sweet ass battles that made me cackle with joy like the Cobra Commander. The 2 battles rage on simultaneously and we get to witness Anakin vs Obi-wan and Yoda vs The Emperor in a no holds barred battle for the Heavy Weight Belt of the Eastern Division.
First up is the battle between Anakin and Obi-wan. Obi-wan visits Padme and tells her about Anakin and his turning to the dark side. He even tells her about Anakin killing all of the Padawan learners. Does he not know she is pregnant? I mean she looks like she is about to pop any second, give the lady a break. Well, Padme is upset and takes C3P0 aboard her ship and they fly to the lava world where The Emperor has sent Anakin to kill the rest of the Trade Federation. Obi-wan sneaks onto the ship before it takes off and stows away inside a storage compartment. Anakin is over-joyed to see his wife and runs to greet her. She then confronts him about his turning to the dark side and he tells her he is more powerful than the Emperor and they could rule the galaxy as husband and wife. Right then she starts crying and saying that Anakin is evil and she can’t follow him down this dark path. Obi-wan then walks into the doorway of the ship and Anakin thinks Padme has deceived him and has brought Obi-wan to kill him. Anakin then force chokes, all Vader style, his pregnant wife until she loses conciousness.
Obi-wan and Anakin then duel...and duel....and duel....until finally they are battling it out on a river of lava on this little robotic hover platform. Obi-wan jumps to the bank and tells Anakin not to follow him because he is on higher ground and will have the advantage. Anakin jumps for him and Obi-wan slices his last organic hand and both of legs off and Anakin lands with a thud next to the lava river. Obi-wan watches Anakin struggle for a bit, his eyes are now completely red from the power of the dark side and Obi-wan leans over and picks up Anakin’s lightsaber. He then watches as Anakin keeps trying to pull himself up with his one robotic hands, but he slides too close to the lava river and sets his stubs for legs on fire and starts screaming in agony as the fire begins burning his entire body. Yeah, not a pretty picture. Obi-wan leaves him for dead and takes Padme to Bail Organa, the senator from Alderaan, for medical attention.
Yoda confronts the Emperor in the senate building. They have a battle of force powers for a while with all sorts of fun force lightning and force pushing going on. Then they mix it up with a nice lightsaber duel on the senate floor as the hover in the Emperor’s floating pedestal high above all of the other empty hover pods. After awhile they switch back to another force powers duel with the Emperor flinging hover pods all crazy-like towards Yoda. Yoda finally loses his grip and falls to the senate floor and scurries off to be rescued by Bail Organa. He then meets Obi-wan on a secret base amid asteroid fields to learn of Padme’s fate.
Padme does indeed die in labor while giving birth to twins, Luke and Leia. There is nothing physically wrong with Padme, she has just lost the will to live. As she is giving birth and dying while laying on the delivery room table, Anakin is now being rebuilt as Darth Vader because the Emperor saved him from his soon to be grave on the lava world. After naming the children she slips off into sweet sweet death.
Anakin is now fully rebuilt and is raised vertically on his table, still buckled in. The first thing hs asks is if Padme is alright. The Emperor lies, or maybe not, and tells Anakin that he killed her in his rage against Obi-wan. Lord Vader loses it and the entire medical bay begins to twist and buckle under his agony. He rips himself off of the table in torment and pain.
The only cheesy parts about this movie, and I am nit-picking, are when Senator Palapatine is fighting Mace Windu and transforms into the Emperor by having force lightning redirected at him and when Anakin first breaks free of the table. I thought the Emperor’s make-up was pretty bad, but then I thought about it some more and I guess they had to make him look when he was in Episodes 4-6. I mean he can’t look all cool now and then look like plastic in the later films, but I still took note of it when I was watching it and not as an after thought.
When Vader frees himself from the table after learning of Padme’s death he looks WAY too skinny. I understand Haden Christiansen begged George Lucas to let him be in the Vader suit and I don’t see anything wrong with that, but I really didn’t believe it was Vader breaking free from the table. Now, the next few scenes with Vader in them look like they buffed Vader up a bit and I completely believed it was Darth Vader. It was just that first sequence when my mind screamed, “That is NOT Darth Vader”. Even the clumsy thud they made for his feet as he stepped away from the table didn’t give him any weight. The helmet looked too large on the body, the body wasn’t bulky enough, and it just didn’t appear that Vader was as tall as he is in the later Episodes.
Not too bad considering this was a film wrapping up 30 years of lore. I will probably check it out again when the hype dies down and the theaters aren’t packed. I will definitely purchase it on DVD when it is released and after watching it a few more times I will decide if it is my favorite Episode of all time. I know many of your lives are hinged on my favorite Star Wars episode, so I will be sure to keep everyone in the loop so total chaos doesn’t break out and mass hysteria isn’t happening at your local McDonald’s. May the Force be with you, or atleast a cheese burger.
-LaVarious
05 -19-05
