It has been a full month since the last article and after breaking several people's hearts by promising to have an article up earlier this week I finally decide to quit lying and actually do one. I bought a Doctor Dreadful's Freaky Food Lab last year and never got around to actually breaking it out to mess around with it. Since these are slow times in the LaVarious house I decide to do just that. With all of the crazy things currently going on like buying a house, having a death in the family, and basically just getting fatter I was really hoping that Doctor Dreadful could work his wicked magic to make me at least a little happier and not ready to stick my head in a plastic bag while I take a nap.
If I worked as the Dean at the Whacky Insane Professor University and was giving out degrees and life lessons, I would fully revoke Doctor Dreadful's diploma in Zanyosity and kick him directly in the nuts. Sure, the kid on the front of the box looks like he might be pinching his genitalia in the zipper located on his pants, but that would be about 10,000 times more fun than actually trying to create anything with this piece of crap toy. Don't get me wrong, I fully support the use as food as a toy for our overweight children, but make it be a fun and actual tasty food toy and not something that squirts out colorful rat droppings and claims they are fun.
I first broke open the box and unpacked all of the goodies. All sorts of plastic scientific beakers, molds, stirring utensils, and fake skulls fell out of the box, which really seemed to make this whole experience worthwhile. Little did I know all of the packets of "chemicals" and "ingredients" would have been cooler if they were the powdered cheese from a Kraft Cheese and Macaroni box. I love that powdered cheese crap and like to fill my bathtub with milk, add some cheese, and splash around like a drunken squid while making a frothy foam form around the tub. Today's article is sponsored by the letter F and the number suck.
After I assembled the flimsy plastic scientific gear and mount the skull up high on its weird little pedestal I found it was time to try my first experiment. I decided to take it easy and make an edible spider, which doesn't seem like too much effort. We all know fat people don't have much effort for such things. Wait, I didn't mean effort, I meant breath. I sweat a lot. Anyway I mixed the ingredients in the plastic beaker, placed the mixed goo inside the tiny little injection apparatus and pressed the lever down to inject said goo into the mold. The goo not only went in the mold it also squirted out the sides and oozed down the entire thing puddling on the plastic below. I shrugged and rushed my little gummi arachnid to the freezer, waited 10 minutes, and then removed him so I could devour him like I was King Chef Boyardee prancing around Kandy Land.
Well, the mold wouldn't release my candy treat and I about lost a finger while trying to liberate my little friend with a kitchen knife. After I finally got him out of the mold he resembled something closer to cat food and something less 8 legged that can crawl up walls and gave Peter Parker his amazing spider-like powers. With my luck this little bastard will more than likely give me the awesome power of cat food breath, sure to keep the ladies and bridge trolls away. The "spider", which looked like it had been assembled in the special ed department's craft corner on a rainy day, had the texture of a prosthetic limb and he sort of tasted like watered down cherry cat shit. Don't act like you've never grabbed a bum on the street and bitten into his prosthetic appendage while he screamed and whipped his bag of crap around flailing about like a crazy street bum getting mauled by a hungry fat person. I really hate that because nothing kills my appetite like the screams of the homeless.
Well, the last "experiment" really sucked, so I looked through the whacky scientist experiment cards to find the next amazing piece of crap I wanted to try. I decided to do the "Oozing Brains" experiment to see if it had anything worthwhile to make me giggle like a school girl. I mixed the ingredients and sure enough the skull had "Oozing Brains" and by "Oozing Brains" I actually mean weird pink foamy crap that was really slow to bubble. I took a lick and was sure I had just ingested bubble gum flavored dog vomit…the warm and frothy kind that squishes in between your toes when you step in it during the middle of the night after the dog breaks into the medicine cabinet and downs a pint of Pepto-Bismol. YUMMY!!
I looked through the rest of the cards and found that indeed I was a 28 year old fat man, but I couldn't comprehend the directions, nor could I read or translate Chinese rocket scientist memos. So I took the rest of the packets and decided I would put all of them to good use by mixing the rest of the powdered crap in the little green plastic beaker to see what would happen. We are talking about 10 packets full of crap that I had no idea what is was, nor did I particularly care. I was verbally abused and assaulted by my wife because the cloud of dust that engulfed her and her laptop caused her to violently vomit all over my head like Jeff Goldblum from the wonderful family friendly movie The Fly. She then tried to lap up the regurgitation so she could feast on my fatty flesh. Silly Brendall Fly. Actually she yelled at me and said I had created the most disgusting thing she had ever seen, besides me naked.
Well, I mixed and mixed and mixed and what I created was something lighter than a solid, more liquid than gas, and tasted like ass stew. I may actually be the first person to coin the phrase "ass stew" and I can only hope it will one day wind up on urbandictionary.com like my term "corn face". Well, since I have created this revolting mass of goo I decide it would be a good idea to try and cram as much of it into my mouth as I possibly can. Then I decided it would be even better if I just smeared all of it over my face like Corky the wonder mongoloid from Life Goes On would with a bowl of piping hot creamed corn. Little did I know the caustic substance I had created would scar me for life and give me the lasting name "neck vomit ". You may call me MISTER Neck Vomit, thank you very much.
Over all Doctor Dreadful's Freaky Food Lab can suck goat balls. It was one of the worst purchases I have ever made and hope that the money I used to purchase the product eventually gave someone herpes down the road. The only thing "freaky" about the food lab was the fact that it caused me blindness when I smeared it on my face. Blindness and the sensation of dipping your face first in a hive of Africanized honey bees and then into a vat of corrosive acid. If you are a parent and you purchase this toy for your children I can only hope you live in Indiana and one of your children is named Malaki and you live next to a cornfield. You deserve what is coming to you, you sick bastard.
***BONUS CRAP***
Well, around the same time I purchased the Doctor Dreadful's Freaky Food Lab I also spied a tasty treat, themed after the Harry Potter movie, called Cockroach Clusters. They actually looked like Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches and I imagined them to be something like a Reese peanut butter egg consisting of chocolate and peanut butter goodness. I was in for a treat, no pun intended. When I opened up the package the first thing I noticed was the texture. They were kind of light with both soft and hard features. I bit into one and was surprised with both the taste and the texture. The wings of the cockroach are a tasteless hard candy that really gives you a nice crunch when you bit into them, much like biting into a real cockroach. The insides are a gummi treat giving you the feeling you are munching into some cockroach guts. The candy has a sort of citrus taste, kind of like citronella candles minus the dead bugs frozen in wax. I give the Harry Potter Cockroach Clusters an A+++++++ and recommend them to any Mud-Blood….dear god I need to get a life.
Lovely packaging for our Cockroach Clusters!
Did that just move? I swear it just moved!!
He has an itch on his belly!
Wow, it looks like a real 1/2 eaten cockroach...I would know!
-LaVarious
3 -25-06
