I am sure everyone is up-to-date with the whole Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (GTA3) video game patch that allows you to unlock simulated sex acts that the programmers left in the game, but never activated. Hey, in a game where you have sex with prostitutes to get back health and gun down anyone you like while stealing cars and trying to get all of the respect of your fellow gang members, what is the damn difference? The game’s name is Grand Theft Auto...that should tell you something about its content.

I don’t buy this whole, “Well, if I knew there were simulated sex acts on this game I would have never bought it for my son” bullshit. So, having sex with prostitutes, killing cops/gang members/pedestrians, dealing in arms, dealing in drugs, stealing cars and anything else not bolted to the ground, and raping chipmunks is what you expected when you purchased your poor little son a video game? I can tell you one thing people, those sex acts are not going to be so “simulated” when little Billy is alone in his room applying the Hot Coffee patch and going at it like he has the Nintendo Power Glove strapped on his right hand....if you get my drift. *wink*

Yes, I did say “Hot Coffee” patch. What is that you ask? Well gather round kids and let Uncle LaVarious explain, since you are even more out of the times than I. See, the cable-man found out I was watching the cable without paying so he snipped my lines....the bastard. What does this have to do with the naughty little patch? If there is any big news coverage at all I won’t have a damn clue about it until I decide to visit CNN.com on an extremely boring day. It really does all tie in together, just hang with me. Same fat time, same fat channel.

So, I stumbled across this whole GTA debate a little late in the game when I was researching a new game to occupy my time. I see a headline that Rockstar Games is recalling all old versions of the game so they can re-release a newly patched version where you can’t apply the “Hot Coffee” mod. This got me interested so I dug deeper and found out that Rockstar had built in playable sex within the game. Yep, you could take out any number of girls that are hot for your goods, wine them and dine them, and then take them back to their house for some “hot coffee”, and by "hot coffee" I mean dirty nasty unwed sex. Well, the game maker decided that this was too graphic and even though it was coded into the game they deactivated it and called it a day. Much like how after a long day in front of the computer I deactivate my brain and consume 3-4 small infants without even thinking about it.

The little script kiddies (5cr1p7 k1dd135) got their hands on the PC version and do what they do best...hacked apart the coding. They found this inactive code and decided to write a program to activate it and in doing so they stole my fat cholesterol saturated heart. In the original released version that is un-patched you could wine and dine your date and then she would ask you in for some coffee and you would walk out of her house in the morning getting a whole lot more than Juan Valdez and a donkey. Well, the Hot Coffee patch basically allows you to access that whole night-to-morning cut scene and act it out live.

After hearing this I decided I HAD to get my hands on a copy of GTA: San Andreas before all of the original versions were sent back to Rockstar forever to be lost in a warehouse with the Ark of the Covenant. I called up my local EB Games—whose number is in speed dial on my cell phone—and asked if they had a copy. Sure enough they did, but they said it was pulled off the shelf and sitting in the backroom. I told them to hold it and I would be there in 5.3 seconds as soon as Ziggy could figure out which time frame I was currently in. I weep for you Scott Bakula.

So I get my hands on the last copy of GTA 3 in the metro-phoenix area...I like to think that at least, and I rush home to install it and download the patch. Everything installs good and the patch seems to apply fine, so now I am getting excited. Not the sort of excited DJ got when he got to browse through that JC Penny catalog in the privacy of his own room, but excited enough to be making all sorts of odd sounds only audible to dolphins.

My significant other wanders in the room and wants to know what in the name of god I am up to, so I let her in on my dirty dirty purchase and she laughs and walks out of the room muttering something about, “That is all you need now....simulated sex on the computer you already hump on a daily basis....I am obsolete”. I am pretty sure after that I heard sniffling and the shattering of a fragile little heart like the time the ewoks got mowed down by the AT-ST Chicken Walker on the moon of Endor.

I finally load into the game and rush over to the closest girlfriend’s house as fast as I possibly can in what looks to be a rusted out Caprice Classic. We goto the local bar for some drinks and I guess we dined on peanuts or maybe just pulled some gum off of the barstools and chewed on that for a bit. Either way my virtual girlfriend decides it is time for us to depart in my chariot of rusty goodness and we head back to her house. She invites me in and before I know it I am sitting on her bed as she stands naked in front of me and then goes down on me like a circus seal hopped up on the Whiteout. Dear god...I have died and gone to slutty virtual paradise where every girl is top heavy and turkey basters can be purchased in vending machines on every corner. Calgon take me away!

Soon the scene shifts and there she is spread out in all her glory...my whore of a virtual girlfriend with pixilated nipples and, to quote one of my favorite Tri-Lams, “We have bush ”. The game now gives me some instructions on exactly what the hell I am supposed to do with this dirty little hood rat spread out before me. I am supposed to use my arrow keys to thrust in and out like any good pornstar does. I am also given instructions on how to change the camera angles and I am granted not one, but three positions to choose from. This mini-game is beat, pun intended, by actually making my virtual soiled dove have an orgasm, which can be monitored by watching the “arousal meter” in the top right corner of the screen.

I have to say this hidden part of the game was absolutely hilarious. I was in tears by the end of my first try and I failed to get her excited...like my REAL first time. Oh, it is like high school all over again. Only this time I am black, in a gang, and am dating a chick that could pass for a pornstar or stripper instead of a fat white kid who used to try and arouse girls by letting them play Mega-man with me on my NES with the Advantage controller. I was sure that Wind-man would get them in the mood but I was wrong...so so wrong. Also a note to those other kids out there: No matter what you have been told by your friends, Star Trek is not a good conversation piece to break the ice with a potential mate. I learnt that the hard way...multiple times.

Well, I hope you have enjoyed your look at the Grand Theft Auto: San Andrea “Hot Coffee” patch review with full frontal screen shots. I decided someone out there needed to suffer for the children, so when this game is re-released we can all still look back and see what great fun it was to have simulated sex acts with your computer in the privacy of your own home. Those are memories we will always share and I will never forget you or them...never ever. XOXO

PS: Download the Hot Coffee mod by clicking here.

 

**BONUS CRAP**

I took more photos than I could actually use, but I figured you should enjoy them since I spent a whole 10 minutes collecting them and you spent a whole 20 minutes reading my lame article at work:

 

-LaVarious
07 -30-05