I wanted to get one more article out before All Hallows Eve so I decided to raid my local Target for whatever interesting candy I could get my hands on. We only spent $4,000 in gummi treats and other candy concoctions, so I feel my mission was almost complete, but I didn’t get to dress as a ballerina while we shopped.
All of the candy located in this sad attempt at an article retails between $.75-$1.50, so none of it is going to bankrupt you anytime soon. The majority of the crap we purchased are some form of gummi treat with a few bizarre candies I just had to screw around with and threw a tantrum in the candy isle when my “mom” said I had enough candy. You’d be surprised how fast Target personnel respond when a grown man shits his pants and sits on the floor refusing the move while doing snow angels.
Yoda and a few other special guests will be helping me out with today's article because, frankly, they had nothing better to do. It was either help me with my photographs or strip them down naked when I am done so I can get some pornographic shots of muppets to post on my muppet sex fetish website.
The first candy I gave a shot was the Sour Face Bats produced by Galerie for their Gusome Chew-somes line. I actually bought all of the Galerie gummi candies because I really liked their packaging and presentation. Plus, I can easily eat my weight in gummi treats every 4 hours, so it helps to keep stocked up on them.
When I popped the candy out of the packaging I noticed it was VERY hard for a gummi candy. I had a flashback to my childhood and when I first tried to eat a citronella candle. The only difference between then and now is the fact that while I mashed the sour bat around in my mouth I didn’t discover any special dead mosquitoes hiding in the wax. The orange flavor is sure to keep any bugs away from you no matter where you might be. It is also sure to give you stomach cancer, so you have to pick your flavors carefully.
I then tried one of the lemon bats and was surprised it didn’t taste like insect repellant. No, the lemon bat tastes more akin to Pledge and leaves a refreshing and highly glossy aftertaste in your mouth. Why does everything lemon have to taste like some sort of dusting chemical? Why do I like the smell of gasoline? Somethings we can never actually learn the truth about, that is the story of life.
They were called Sour Face Bats, but frankly I would have rather called them Corn Face Bats. They had a little zip, but nothing to make your face grow an asshole. What the hell is up with that bat above? Why did his face suddenly sprout an asshole? I know he looks surprised and quite frankly I would too if I could suddenly use the restroom simply by leaning forward over a toilet face first. Overall I give the Sour Face Bats 3-out-of-5 rusty syringes. One point goes for the illustration of the bat with the ass face. Wooooooooooo Weeeeeeeeee!!
The next gummi candy to wind up in my digestive tract is called Attack of the Fly Eating Kids, which I don’t really understand since I am not purchasing a gummi candy of a kid eating flies, just gummi flies. I also don’t think other children would label me a “kid” since I could easily smother them with one of my pasty white fat thighs, so the label on this one baffles me, but not enough not to eat a gummi fly.
I tossed a gummi fly in my mouth and noticed it had sort of a fruity flavor, not fruit fly jokes please...that really pisses me off, with a hint of Pine-sol thrown in for a little bit of mystery. I really enjoy when my candies taste like cleaning products because it always keeps me guessing whether or not I will go blind in the middle of the night because of them.
The texture of the fly is pretty strange because the top is nice and slimy and the bottom has a rough chewy consistency, kind of like those erasers you could buy to put on the tops of your pencils when I was in school. Do kids even use pencils anymore? I bet they don’t an are instead flying around on hover-boards and sending punks like Grif Tannen through the clock tower glass and directly to jail. I am waiting on you 2015 Mattel Hover-boards. I give the flies 2-out-of-5 syringes simply because I can now say I ate a goddamn gummi fly.
The next satanic treat to enjoy the journey through my esophagus and into my pleasantly warm stomach acid was the Diabolical Demon Heads. Anytime you can actually eat the head of a demon I would highly recommend doing it and if you don’t I will send my pet midget gimp Guido over to hump your face. Guido smells like jock itch and rotten salami, trust me.
I noticed right away that the demon head I grabbed was pretty damn hard. Kind of like that weird unnamed candy your grandma has had in that amber “candy dish”, that is really an ashtray, for the last 7 years of your life. I popped the little evil bastard in my mouth and found it at first to be very chewy and then my saliva hit it and it morphed into something so slimy and gooey I thought it might meld to my teeth and lock my upper and lower jaws together until I turned 52 years old.
The candy was kind of odd tasting as well. Any candy that has Satan or demons on it should be hot enough to close your throat up because of the heat and suffocate you to death, but I only noticed a hint of cinnamon. The odd thing is that the longer the candy is in your mouth the more it feels like you have just taken a shot of novocaine. By the time I finished my demon head half of my face no longer had muscle control and I slipped into fever induced hallucinations for 3 hours.
The real thing I love about Diabolical Demon Heads is the sheer fact that the company decided to use a decapitated demon to do the marketing for them. Anytime decapitation and food mixes children in China cheer with glee. Don’t believe me? Just call and ask one of them, they fucking love demon heads. I give demon heads 3-out-of-5 syringes and all of those points are because they use a headless demon on their box.
The next item up on our Halloween candy extravaganza is called Frogs In Your Throat. I couldn’t wait to try these little gems because if the packaging told me anything it was that in just a few moments I would start choking myself to death while a flock of mini-bats would swarm around my body attacking me as a frog molested my tongue in an orgy of destruction. Goddamn I love Halloween.
These candies sort of taste like sour apples mixed with plastic. They aren’t too bad until the taste turns into waxy ass lips. That is correct, they can’t even taste like authentic ass lips, only wax counterfeits. Towards the end of my 7 hours of straight chewing they took on the taste of bananas and marshmallow peeps. The aftertaste: frog piss. I give them 3-out-of-5 syringes for such surreal box art. I hope I don’t get genital herpes.
This is one of the more bizarre treats we picked up. Called Old Vampire Teeth these gummi bastards are just down right frightening. This is what first caught my eye in the store because anytime small gummi treats resemble demonic baby teeth I am there. Not only am I there but I am there slathered in baby oil and bagel crumbs.
As I popped the set of teeth in my mouth I noticed the strong flavor right away. They tasted very odd like a mix of berry, roadkill, and beer. They were pretty tasty besides for that hint of rotten carrion that seemed to linger in the back of your throat, but it wasn’t enough to stop me from consuming 43 boxes. They actually have a pleasant aftertaste like Hawaiian Punch...drawn from the depths of the 3rd level of hell.
Their texture was pretty interesting as well. You know when you put baby teeth in your mouth right after you drink some Capri Sun, they felt a lot like that. Oh, don’t even try to tell me you don’t find random baby teeth on the street and not put them in your mouth immediately. That is my favorite part of Easter.
Not only are they tasty treats you can also scare the hell out of people by placing them on various toys. Not only does this look cool, but kids seem to love it when you chase them around with the toys while talking in a deep voice, rolling your eyes into the back of your head, and saying you are going to eat their face. I give these gummi vampire teeth 4-out-of-5 syringes because they rocked my ass off and made my little nephew pass out for 8 minutes.
Brain Storm is my absolute favorite of the gummi candies I reviewed today. The candies themselves are absolutely repulsive looking and have a pretty good likeness of a brain or possibly a 60 year old guys testicles. I hope the sweat shop these were made in gave the children sculpting them at least a 3 minute play break in the middle of the day.
Nothing beats pulling out an entire assortment of mini-brains from a simple card stock box. Look at all these brains! If I were a zombie and stumbled upon the Smurf village this is the feast I would have before myself. Some of the brains even have some blue brain matter, I believe I just found out what happens in the Black Forest located in Germany...Smurf brain harvesting.
The brains are very squishy to the touch and was one of the first things I noticed when I was handling them. I put one in my mouth and my saliva must have acted like a catalyst because the damn thing got slippery fast and almost lodged in my throat. That would have been a great headline, “Fat bastard chokes to death on 20 Smurf brains”. Maybe next year kids, there is always hope.
The taste is pretty strong and has a distinct fruit flavor, though I can’t distinguish an individual fruit, and a slight tang of Lysol. They are very tender much like when you go bobbing for apples and bite into one only to hear it scream and then you realize it is a 6 year old child's cheek and it is the middle of July. I give the Brain Storm gummi brains 5-out-of-5 syringes because they made me think of Smurfs being lobotomized and because they make my ET look like he has cataracts.
Speaking of cataracts the next gummi treat does not have them. This spider-eye candy thing was pretty damn cool. The candy eye appears to be life size and looks a lot like a real eye, minus the optic nerve hanging off the back of it. I was interested in what the eye would feel like when I got it out of the packaging, which took 90 minutes and finally my switch blade to release it from its plastic cryo-stasis-chamber. If the gummi eye was heated up to body temperature and sprinkled with a little water it would feel like the real thing and I would know since I collect the eyes of small children for fun off eBay.
The eye has several textures which gives it the life like look. There is the white pliable substance that makes up the majority of the eye with a very gummy center. Much like a real eye when you pop it in your mouth you can’t help hoping the inside is filled with cream cheese or jelly, but you are disappointed to find out it is solid all the way through.
Before I could break down and eat my candy eye I had to screw around with it for a little bit. First I stabbed it with my switch blade because every candy eye comes with a free switch blade. Then I decided it would be cool if my action figures could turn into cyclops. Finally I said, “Fuck it” and ate the damn thing.
The eye is VERY sweet and I thought I might be going into some sort of bizarre diabetic shock when my left arm started going numb, but then I realized it was nothing more than a regular heart attack. If you give any kids this thing on Halloween they will probably come back a few hours later chasing squirrels around your yard and frothing at the mouth. I give the gummi eye 4-out-of-5 syringes just for being so life like and creepy. I will update it to 5 if I see any kids having epileptic seizure while holding a squirrel on Halloween.
The next item was pretty interesting and is called Wicked Coffin Candy Digs. Basically what we are led to believe is that the coffin contains candy dirt and bones, but we are fucking idiots for even thinking that is what we would actually be getting. How many times must the candy vendors trick me? Why, oh why?! I cry now.
We are provided with an illustration that gives us instructions on how we should eat the wicked coffin. It clearly shows you first dig and eat the dirt that appears to be Oreo cookie crumbs, turn into Ben Seever and shovel crap into your mouth, then find the skeleton of a midget that appears to be made out of candy and chocolate and consume it in homage to Lucifer. It is all lies built upon lies built upon sugar and Mike Seever's left ass cheek as I soon found out. Why does Kirk Cameron hate evil people so much? Why is Alan Thick immortal? Why does Tracey Gold have a larger than average head? Ah, that last one I can explain...eating disorder.
Our dirt turns out to be either rat poison or mouse shit. I shoveled the crap in my mouth and find that it has the same texture as Nerds, but without any tart flavor. Actually, the dirt is nothing more than sweet tasting and that is a big disappointment when you are looking for Oreo cookie crumbs. I am also suspicious that it might be radioactive fall out, but I don’t have a giger counter to test my theory.
The skeleton I found looks like it is make out of a banana dildo. I don’t ever remember skeletons I have seen in the past to be bright ass yellow, but being around the radioactive rocks must have turned the skeleton this color or they have harnessed a new market for eskimo urine. I finally wedge the skeleton out of the coffin and toss it in my mouth. As I bite down I can feel the skeletons razor sharp edges gashing my gums. I run to the bathroom with a mouth full of blood and a heart full of rage and bitterness about my crappy plastic skeleton. The skeleton isn’t candy at all....goddamn liars.
Underneath the skeleton I find 3 lousy bones that I want to shove in the inventor of this candy’s eye. I toss a bone in my mouth and munch on it for a few. Other than coagulation, by stopping the blood trickling from my gums, the bones taste like air, well sweet air, but not the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air or Carlton.
This candy sucked and I wish it upon no one, except if you have a mouth wound and need to stop the bleeding. I did find that the coffin came in handy when I buried Yoda in my backyard, but other than that is was a waste of money and blood. I give this candy 1-out-of-5 syringes for allowing me to give Yoda a proper burial.
Wicked Chemistry is our next tasty treat and it’s tag line is: Dare to mix it, Dare to eat it. I tell you what, I dare you to make this shit in your room without your parents going ape-shit and thinking you have started your very own meth lab. Look at that photo above and tell me you aren’t working on creating some form of narcotic with that glass vile and 2 baggies full of suspicious looking powder. This section of the article will be filled with photos because I absolutely loved Wicked Chemistry as you soon will too.
Much like the Wicked Coffin we are given illustrations on how we should start our very own drug cartel. We are supposed to mix water and one baggie of suspicious looking powder into the vial and shake vigorously. Then we add the other baggie full of suspicious looking powder to create lava, which we will then put to our mouth and consume to become none other than Alex P. Keaton age 7.
Just setting out all of the contents makes my room feel more like a crack house than it previously did. Without even opening this shit up you are already going to look like you are cooking smack in your room and bottling it in nice little witch vials to sell to your classmates. Kids loves witches and drugs, especially during Halloween and on pizza day at school.
To get started I had to cut open the first baggie which sent powder flying all over my desk. It is like a scene out of Scarface in here now. If anyone catches you now it will look more like you are doing drugs than creating them. Work this to your advantage and start carrying on conversations with your Ouija board while you are locked in your closet in a pair of tin foil underwear wearing nipple clamps and laughing about your imaginary pet duck Hugo. People will eat that shit up.
After we get the insanely hard to contain suspicious looking powder in the vial and add water to it, it appears we are going to be peddling witch urine. Maybe you have a hobby collecting piss from wiccans or possibly you just like keeping your own urine in a witch vial, it is really up to you how you want to spin the story. I really like the chunks of powder than remain behind, it makes me believe that the warlock who donated that sample had to pass some stones. I like stones because they crush witches!
Next we add the second batch of powder and snort some off our switch blade to make sure it is pure Columbian gold. I don’t suggest doing this unless you want to make your left eye tear up and swell shut while your sinus’ produce Kool-aid instead of mucous, but it is your call. Now when I dumped the second batch of powder in I expected the vial to spew forth bubbles and go all bat-shit crazy on me, but it didn’t do crap. I mean I wasn’t expecting Mogwai to start popping out of the thing and start growing on my desk, but all this crap did was turn the water orange. I could just have easily kicked myself in the nuts and made my urine turn orange, but I guess this is what I get for a measly $.75.
I shook vigorously and uncapped my new “witch brew” and gave it a chug. I immediately fell out of my chair into a seizure of such great force that I lost all bodily control and bit off my own tongue. This stuff was so sweet it was like drinking Carebear piss mixed with Shirt Tail blood. Before I knew it Mon-chi-chi’s were running around my room butt fucking each other while Michelangelo the Ninja Turtle continuously punched me in my groin.
This Wicked Chemistry brew was down right foul. Every time I take a drink my eyes roll back in my head and I forget who I am for 14 minutes as my brain locks from the sugar overload. If that pathetic squishy eye ball will make kids hump trees this shit will make them roll around in the yard naked trying to bite their own fingers off. I give this crap 2 ratings: For the taste side of the rating it gets 1-out-of-5 syringes since it tastes like clown ass. For the effect of looking like drug paraphernalia and turning your room into an instant crack den it gets 5-out-of-5 syringes.
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Well, that is all for this article. If any of you actually made it this far go ahead and pat yourselves on the back. Seriously. I said fucking pat yourself on the goddamn back and you will do it or I will come to your house naked with a vat of Crisco and a Slip’n Slide. I hope you all have a great Halloween and don’t find too many razor blades in your candy.
**BONUS CRAP***
BooBah Zing Zing Zing-bah caught in massive coke ring:
If you liked this article you might also want to check out my review of Kids Halloween Costumes.
-LaVarious
10-23-05
