The holiday season has come and gone. Now we are left with that deep dark depression that will last until next Halloween when the glorious holiday season will again raise it’s blood-thirsty head and sink its long fangs into the souls of millions of consumers. Well, I am not yet ready to let go off all the fun and stress that comes with December, so I break into my Jone’s Soda Holiday Pack and force my family to sample it with me. They squirmed, they squealed, but when they finally tasted the soda I think they were ready to shove a Bic ballpoint through their eye and directly into their brains. I’ve brought you photos, scanned in survey forms, and live audio straight from the event itself because some of the soda just have to be heard to be believed.
The brave souls I setup to taste the soda are my mom, dad, and nephew visiting from Indiana for their holiday vacation and my sinister wife who loathes me and everything I associate with. I told them of the taste test on their first day in town and on their 10th and final day visiting I unleash hell upon them all. Sure, they were thinking, “How bad can a soda really be?”, but when they walk away from the experience they have hexed me and all of the foul concoctions that roam free around my house. Until you squirt Brussel’s Sprout soda out of your nose you can never actually enter this specialized mind set.
The Jone’s Soda Holiday Pack comes with 5 very special flavors: Turkey and Gravy, Wild Herb Stuffing, Cranberry Sauce, Pumpkin Pie, and the most vile of all flavors....Brussel’s Sprout. I decide to try the soda in order of how you would eat a holiday meal, so Cranberry Sauce soda was the first up. Overall this soda was pretty mellow with no real moans of pain and only a slight chemical after-taste. It did have a strong odor of cranberry and possibly a hint of Listerine in the mix for a bit of tang. I imagined it was something you might find at an all natural foods hippie grocery store, but since I must consume 3 boxes of Twinkies a day I can’t shop at them. Plus, I really don’t want my produce tasting like goddamn patchouli and unwashed ass. No one really complained about the soda which allowed them to imagine the rest of the sodas would be as harmless as the first, sweet christ how wrong they were.
Jason's Review
Lori's Review
Mom's Review
Dad's Review
Listen to the sampling by clicking the above freak.
The next up on our “plate” was Wild Herb Stuffing. You pop the cap on this bitch and sure enough you think of stuffing. The taste wasn’t god-awful, but it wasn’t pleasant either. If you imagine the Smurfs drinking a lot of turpentine and then pissing it out, you can basically imagine the taste of Wild Herb Stuffing. This one got a few moans from the taste testers, but if they knew what was coming next they would have drank the whole damn bottle and asked for more.
Wild Herb Stuffing woke my dad
up from his coma
Jason's Review
Lori's Review
Mom's Review
Dad's Review
Listen to the sampling by clicking the above freak.
The next flavor is so nasty I actually just broke out in a cold sweat and shit my pants thinking about it. Brussel’s Sprout soda is green and you’d think that would be pleasant like a green field filled with poppies, but you are a damned idiot and instead it looks like the crap Linda Blair spit out of her mouth when she was playing with Captain Howdy. You open this bottle and you know it. Did the Jolly Green Giant just squeak out a wet one or is that Brussel’s Sprout? Oh yeah, the smell is bad. Bad like filling a bloated deer carcase with some stagnant pond water and cow semen, letting it simmer in the summer sun for 1 week, and then ladling it into Wally World Moose cups, garnishing with maggots, and serving it lukewarm. Somehow that really isn’t descriptive enough, but I think you get the idea. My poor nephew took a sip and immediately started gagging, my dad was so repulsed he threatened to throw up on the spot, and even I was repulsed by it’s nasty and pungent after taste. We tried for the rest of the night to get this one taste out of our mouths, but I don’t think anyone was at all successful. Around 1:34am I placed a red hot butter-knife on my tongue to fuse my tastebuds together and sear the skin from my mouth....I can still taste Brussel’s Sprout soda to this day.
Action Shot
Jason's Review
Lori's Review
Mom's Review
Dad's Review
Listen to the sampling by clicking the above freak.
Really the entire family was ready to get anything into their mouths after Brussel’s Sprout and Turkey and Gravy was next. It really did smell like fresh roasted turkey and creamy gravy. Unfortunately, it tastes more like burnt turkey grease and a melted zip-lock bag. Sure, this was better than Brussel’s Sprout, but you can’t really gauge anything by that because you could drink liquified midget shit and swear the stuff is Kool-aid compared to the Brussel’s Sprout. I think Turkey and Gravy would have been better had they included some sort of “candy” chunks or something, but other than that it was much like carbonated turkey body fluids. I love body fluids. I love turkeys!!!
Dad is looking a little queasy
Jason's Review
Lori's Review
Mom's Review
Dad's Review
Listen to the sampling by clicking the above freak.
We could see the end in sight and only one flavor stood in our way to the finish line. Pumpkin pie was up and it sure as hell didn’t smell a damn thing like pumpkin pie. Well, maybe if Gargamel baked a pumpkin pie and instead of pumpkin used Clorox bleach. The taste was more akin to rotten pumpkin and bleach, so technically they actually did get a “pumpkin” flavor in it. I love pumpkins and I even love pumpkin flavored crap like ice cream, whipped cream, pudding, bread, cookies, and razor blades. Wait, that is what I put in candy, not things that taste like pumpkin. Pumpkin Pie was just as nasty as the rest and made me think of biting into a squishy soft rotten gourd, just the thing to cap off our Christmas festivities.
Lori's Reaction
Jason's Review
Lori's Review
Mom's Review
Dad's Review
Listen to the sampling by clicking the above freak.
I hope everyone out there had a great holiday season with all sorts of loot and tons of porn to look at. I know since the holidays are over and I finally can unwind my body has decided to stage a revolt and become a petri dish for a variety of illnesses including a nice healthy cold full of congestion, fever, and pink aardvarks. You really can’t beat a bottle of NyQuil for a good time on the weekend. I have been mixing Brussel’s Sprout soda and NyQuil all night and plan on walking into the bedroom tonight around 3am and projectile vomiting on the wife while trying to spin my head around 360 degrees. I’ll let you know how it turns out.
***Bonus Crap***
I like to pester people and torment them. I know, you are shocked, but it is a hobby of mine. Well, my dad was so disgusted by Brussel’s Sprout soda I had to break it back out of the refrigerator, uncap it, and tried to force him to drink it. He was in tears trying to fend me off from laughing and because I kept blowing into the bottle creating a Brussel’s Sprout stink bomb in his face and making him gag. After about 10 minutes of fending me off he runs out the door and onto my front porch. Well, I take this time to pour a healthy dose of the vile Brussel’s Sprout soda into his mug full of lemonade. I then take the Brussel’s Sprout soda and put it back in the fridge. After a few minutes he comes back in and sits down with his lemonade right in front of him. Everyone is still complaining about the nasty taste of Brussel’s Sprout and how they can’t get it out of their mouths no matter how many pounds of cat shit they eat. Finally I use a little psychology to my advantage and complain about how I can still taste it while taking a big swig out of my 2-liter of Mountain Dew. Without hesitation my dad mimics my behavior and slams some of his lemonade. Soon all are watching as my dad is moaning and rolling around on the floor because he just drank even MORE Brussel’s Sprout soda. I am the BEST SON EVER!!!
My Dad after too many hours breathing the brussel's sprout fumes.
-LaVarious
1 -14-06
