JC Penney finally pisses me off and I send them a letter that would make anyone reading it have an orgasm. Well, maybe not an orgasm as much as a coronary. How long do you think I should have waited on my suit jackets to come back from the alteration shop because I look like Jabba-The-Hutt? I was promised 24 hour service, but I received 144 hour service. I also play with my Microsoft calculator too much. Read on as my anger spills forth and consumes their souls like the blob on a diner filled with teens from the 1950's:

Dear JC Penney,

I purchased 2 suit jackets at your store in the Fashion Square Mall in Scottsdale , Arizona on 4-6-06. I needed to have the suit jackets altered and was told I could pickup my jackets on Friday 4-7-06. I was out of town for the day so I stopped past the store on Saturday 4-8-06. No one could inform me why my jackets had not been altered and said I would have to check back on Monday 4-10-06. I was told they would call me the minute the jackets came through the door.

I called on Monday and was again not able to pickup my jackets because they had not been returned to the store yet. The jackets at this point were 4 days late, so I hung up and didn't even bother calling on Tuesday because it is obvious the normal space/time mechanics used in the rest of the universe do not apply at this particular location. Your store in the Fashion Square Mall is a quantum anomaly that requires study by the best and the brightest String Theorists out there. I heard nothing back from the store and decided to call on Wednesday 4-12-06 after 6:00pm to find out my jackets were indeed in the store waiting for me to pick them up.

I want to know why I never received a call to pickup the jackets? I want to know why my jackets are almost 1 week late and why you hired a bunch of fumbling jackasses to handle my order when they were busy humping sports equipment and fondling mannequins in the women's department? I think my order could have been handled better by a sideshow geek who bites the heads off chickens while I am being fitted. So what if he gets a little blood on the jackets, because by the time they are altered and back from the dry-cleaners I would still be a few days ahead of the crew you have working in the Men's Suit department now.

I would like to request that the entire Men's Department be required to have a “cow-boy day” where they are forced to wear costumes that look like cows, preferably dairy. I want the costumes to display full sagging utters for all the customers to milk. Any by milk I mean kick them as hard as possible. When they are done being “milked” I would like them to be paraded around the store in a big barnyard extravaganza while being forced to consume 4 gallons of sour buttermilk per person. The more curds the better.

After they vomit out of their noses, and possibly bleed from the eyes, you should take them outside to be hosed off by the local fire department using full force hydrant power. Try to aim for their faces as much as possible, the less air they breathe the better. At the end of the day you can hand out free popcorn to all of the customers who can watch as the “cow-boys” are brought forth and read the part in the constitution about cruel and unusual punishment. Then the crowd will cheer and throw rice at them. Oh yeah, you need to give the crowd packets of rice. By “packets of rice” I really mean heavy blunt objects to pummel them to death. Then maybe you could set off some fireworks, because everyone likes fireworks. Thank you.

LaVarious

 

***BONUS CRAP***

Just teasing I really don't have any bonus crap, but I do have pictures of jellyfish: Mystery Creatures of the Ocean::

-LaVarious
4 -12-06