Another year and another LaVarious.com tradition
repeated. Sure, I may be a little late with my Jones Soda Holiday
Pack Review for 2006, but at least it is finally here; so stop
your damn complaining before I kick you square in the nuts. Most
of the sites similar to mine have beat me to the punch this year
with their reviews, and they are very hilarious, but only my super
special fat lard ass review has actual video of me tormenting
my poor family with this year’s Holiday Pack. If you want
to skip what I thought about the soda and head directly to the
video click
here.
No, you won’t see me in the video trying
any of the damn soda. I do have footage of that, but it really
wasn’t that funny except for a few snippets I am including
in the bonus crap section at the bottom of this page. The bonus
crap movie is pretty crude and disgusting because I am a fat bastard,
but I think you will enjoy it anyway. Plus, how many times have
you actually gotten to see me prance around and be a jackass with
audio and video goodness? Yes, Christmas has come early this year
my friends.
Jones Soda always gives us 5 distinct flavors
so we can create festive holiday parties directly in our mouths.
This year the pack included Turkey and Gravy, Sweet Potato, Dinner
Roll, Pea, and last but not least Antacid. I was happy to see
a non-food related item such as Antacid thrown in the mix because
it shows that the people at Jones really do care and that is what
this time of the season is about. Caring, sharing, and drinking
disgusting soda marketed by freaking geniuses. Think of all the
money they rake in over something as stupid and disgusting as
Turkey and Gravy soda. I wish I could share in the massive stockpiles
of gold doubloons under their secret headquarters in Seattle,
Washington.
The first soda I tempt my life with is Sweet
Potato. To begin with I think sweet potatoes in general are vile
and nauseating, so I can’t imagine this soda is going to
rate very high on my likeability chart. I seriously have one and
carry it everywhere I go. You don’t rank very high on there
either you little bastard.
There is definitely a starchy syrupy sweet
taste that is packed in this bottle. Though it isn’t overly
potatoy (I can make words up on the fly like a superhuman son-of-a-bitch)
I taste a hint of baby diaper in there, I am thinking a loaded
Pampers, but it might be a Huggies. I am also guessing it contains
some form of saliva because it kind of has a lingering odor of
drool as well. Not fresh drool, mind you, but the cold wet kind
that slimes your face for hours before you wakeup slightly and
realize you almost drowned yourself.
Dinner Roll is next up on my taste test
from Hell and it appears to be freshly bottled festering wound
goo; you know the gunk that forms a scab, but isn’t a scab
yet and is delivered in liquid form via your epidermis. This stuff
just looks repulsive sitting in the bottle, so you know I can't
wait to crack the top and pour it down my gullet. I can only hope
for quick convulsions before my spine snaps and I slump over dead.
Hopefully this crap won't make my corpse reanimate.
This stuff is pretty bad. It kind of makes me
think of a dirty prostitute’s crotch as I drink it, probably
because of the yeasty flavor. I also bet that just like a filthy
prostitute’s unkempt and soiled crotch it will give me the
clap. It has a strong buttery aftertaste, if by "buttery
aftertaste" I mean a stick of butter that has been eaten
and then thrown up with bits of brown crap you don’t remember
eating stuck in it that taste kind of like pickled ham.
You know what I am talking about, so don't act all coy like an innocent school girl.
Turkey and Gravy soda is next on my plate. It
tastes pretty much like it did last year, so there is no real
surprise. It smells like turkey grease and tastes like cold, slightly
carbonated, turkey grease with a hint of old gravy that has been
festering in an open wound for 2 weeks. So, I did what anyone
would do and drank the whole damn bottle, you can watch me do
this on the video at the bottom of the page under the bonus crap
section.
This is the worst the pack has to offer and
it was nothing compared to last years lineup. Am I getting battle
hardened? Am I desensitized to this year’s flavors because
last years had taught me a lesson? Do I just enjoy drinking bizarrely
flavored sodas because I have nothing better to do in life? All
of these questions make me want to end my own life, so instead
lets look at a picture of a clown:
That clown doesn’t make me happy at all.
This must be Monty the Mongoloid Clown. What the hell is this
supposed to be? He has the shittest clown makeup I have ever seen.
It looks like he went to a developmentally challenged class of
retards, gave them acid, and let them apply his makeup with Link-n-Logs.
What the hell is up with his bald cap? I thought those were supposed
to be near invisible? Why does his expression scream, “I
just shit in my own oversized funny colored clown pants and now
I have to sit in it all day, wallowing in my own filth until I
get some horrible rash or bacterial infection”? I hope he
died of Ebola directly after this picture was taken. Stupid clown.
Looking like an overflowing septic tank, Pea
Soda (not urine soda, but it couldn't be much worse) is here to
give last year’s Brussels’ Sprout Soda a run for its
money. The murky green color screams, "Linda Blair"
while the overly cheery snowman on the label screams "Blair
Warner" from the Facts of Life. I am still repulsed
by last years horrible green death drink, but this is in the name
of….wait, I do this site for fun. This isn’t fun.
Oh, like I have anything better to do on a Friday night…fuck
it.
It has a very pungent sweet taste to it, kind
of like Sweet Potato but with more zest. I immediately think of
the mystery juice in the bottom of a dumpster when I am imbibing
this beverage. What exactly is it? Food? Bodily fluids? Rotten
crotch goblins? I have no idea, but it sure as hell doesn’t
taste like pea and I think my insides are starting to corrode.
Yep, I am pretty sure my spleen just shut down.
I don’t do too well with pink drinks.
I think this all stems back to the time I drank all night and
then threw up the entire next day and it was frothy and bright pink, but
I hadn’t drank anything bright pink that I was aware of. It was probably just
the pathetic lining of my stomach making an exit anyway possible.
My stomach is about as useful as Cookie the clown from the Bozo
show. I hated that clown. Goddamn Cookie.
Yeah, this is basically just Pepto Bismol mixed
with an Alka Seltzer, mixed with some slugs. It isn’t that
bad, not for the box of devil's brew I just ingested, but I don’t
think I will start a petition to get it ceremoniously added to
Jones current soda lineup. Give me a year and maybe I will reconsider.
The plus is that it did come with a dosage cup like regular Pepto
Bismol, so now I can ration out my Antacid Soda the rest of the
year in nifty milliliter increments.
Well, that was the Jones Soda 2006 Holiday
Pack. Overall it was pretty bland compared to last year’s.
Sure, there were some nasty tasting sodas in this year’s
pack, but nothing can hold a flame to Brussels’ Sprout or
Wild Herb Dressing. I am a little disappointed that Jones didn’t
up the ante and really give us some flavors that made our stomachs
want to digest themselves, but it was still fun to torment my
family. Even they thought the flavors weren’t on par with
the precedent Jones set last year, but I guess they always have
the coming year to redeem themselves before I shove a sharpened
screwdriver into their temple and swirl it around for being lame
bastards.
Overall the worst tasting soda this year had
to be Turkey and Gravy. I was really hoping Pea would win; because
it looks like Linda Blair vomit, but alas I cannot always get
my wish. Antacid had a nice touch with the complimentary dosage
cup that accompanied it, but Sweet Potato was a pretty big disappointment
because it didn’t make my Dad gag. Dinner Roll pretty much
just tasted like watery pre-vomit with hints of butter thrown
in for good measure, but it wasn’t really ultra-disgusting.
I guess I am really looking for Jones Soda to come out with Decomposing
Corpse flavor or something along those lines. Maybe for Halloween?
Well, I am going to go wash my mouth out with turpentine now,
so I bid you all adieu.
Check out the video of my family drinking
the soda and giving you their thoughts:
Family
Jones Soda Review 2006
-----------------------------------------------
***Bonus Crap***
As I promised here is the ultra-disgusting
video of my slamming the entire bottle of Turkey and Gravy
soda. Of course after I do that I have to run around like a real
fat bastard and bring forth the unholy belches from the bowels
of my stomach and unleash them upon my parents in a tirade of
mean spirited manical laughter. I am a real son-of-a-bitch.
If you liked this article you may
also enjoy last years Jones
Soda Review with real audio goodness.
-LaVarious
12-07-06
