Christopher Lambert. The man, the myth, the god. I remember, many years ago, when I first laid my eyes upon the elusive Christopher Lambert. He was standing there, looking like either a flasher/smut peddler in his trench coat, with his razor sharp katana gleaming in the sporadic lighting from the underground parking garage. Right then and there I knew this man was either a pedophile or an immortal demi-god sent to Earth to bless us with his charm and acting. I like to pretend it was the later.

Our little Christopher was famed as a sword wielding undead zombie in the Highlander series. Well, I guess he wasn't really a zombie, but I classify any being that lives forever, even after death, and can only be re-killed by severing the head from the body, as a zombie. Jesus, how many commas can I possibly use in one sentence? Orange juice is tasty.

Of course Christopher has starred in many movies, but he is usually always swinging a sword around like a bum drunk off isopropyl alcohol who is fending off hoards of purple aardvarks who have robotic tongues that squirt soda water, using only a broom stick. One movie that breaks this trend is the master work called Mortal Kombat.

Yes, Christopher Lambert plays Raiden the lightning god who likes to steal hats from Vietnamese children and work in the rice fields in his spare time. Other than gathering a nice harvest he also likes to stave off the demons from the dimension called Outworld. He does this by challenging Shao-Khan, the leader of Outworld, to bake-offs at his kingdom. Raiden is known throughout the land for his amazing Kao Neuw Kati, which is a sweet sticky rice dessert. If there is one thing Mr. Lambert can do, it is put the sweet sticky in that rice.

One thing I have noticed about Christopher's acting ability is his sheer genius to get his hair as greasy as possible for every role. This is a common strategy that many actors/actresses seem to bypass in our day-and-age. Not Christopher. No, he takes the extra time to get as much grease into his coif as possible. I believe one of his methods might possibly be to run his Mega Fry-Daddy on high next to his bed at night while he sleeps. Does he sleep? I doubt it. Why? He is too busy looking at kiddie porn and making pork fritters to throw out of his 9th story window.

As many people already know actors need to have their own gimmicks or nuances that make them stick out from the crowd. Shatner has his over-dramatic acting, Robin Williams ingests 3 entire 8 balls before he heads out on stage, Dom Deluise has that witty sense of humor, and Christopher Lambert has the Igor the Porn Salesman accent. Don't understand? Rent Mortal Kombat and listen to his lines with your eyes closed. Now instead of picturing Christopher Lambert standing there in white robes and a Vietnamese hat imagine Dr. Frankenstein's servant Igor trying to work at the local Porn Shop. Viola! You have Christopher Lambert's hook.

Speaking of Hook I hate that little kid who plays Robin Williams son in the movie. The little bastard sits there throwing his baseball up at the ceiling of the airplane and no one says a damn thing to him. If I so much as say "I have a bomb" or "I am going to take this plane down" I have security all up my ass. Why not take his baseball away? Are you even reading this anymore?

I have a dream that one day Christopher Lambert and Bill Paxton will get together to give us a materpiece of cinema. They might possibly fight tornadoes with swords or maybe have a debate about the 2005 Presidential election and how it affects the citizens of Outworld. Actually, I would really just like to see them riding on Falcor from the Never Ending Story while zipping though the clouds yelling and laughing and squirting each other with vegetable oil. Oh, that will be the day my friends, that will be the day.

Well, I would write some more about Christopher Lambert, but I just remembered I have better things to do, like watch reruns of Roseanne or possibly check out Elvira: Mistress of the Dark on DVD. I am a busy man and I don't have anymore time for Christopher Lambert humping Falcor.

-LaVarious
10-10-04