On the 6th day LaVarious created lightsabers and all was right with the world. Wielding his red saber LaVarious road through the sky on his chariot of fire, powered by 43 hounds of hell, cackling like the mad hatter on his unbirthday. The fat shall inherit the earth by eating babies and playing World of Warcraft!!
Okay, so I went to Border’s this weekend to look for some new comic books or possibly drunk chick pornography and found myself wandering around the store looking for a seat to plop my plump ass in for a bit. I picked up the usual fare of Star Wars junk and some Spiderman comics and began flipping through them. You know you are a social butterfly when it is a Friday night and you are sitting at Borders looking at photos of Anakin Skywalker and a pregnant Pademe.
So, I sit there for about a half hour and start to get bored. After listening to a mom try to figure out which potty training book is best for her child, while her elderly mother shits her pants and soils her Depends, I decide to make my purchase and get the hell out of Dodge. As I approach the counter I am stopped dead in my tracks as a sound hits my ears. It is a familiar “hum” but I can’t figure out why it is familiar, so I stand there for a second trying to make my brain recall this latent memory, but all I can recall are soiled Depends. Damn ye’ elderly!!!
Just as I am about to give up I see a flash of blue and my heart starts to race. There, in the front of the store, is the toy I have dreamed of. The toy of all children’s fantasies. No, not a full size Voltron or a dildo shaped like Mr. Peanut, but a lightsaber. Someone in the front of the store is whipping around Anakin’s lightsaber and the damn thing looks just like it does in the movie. The blue blade is ultra bright and a little darker around the edges than in the middle of the beam. The hilt looks exactly the same as its movie counterpart and is crafted out of real metal. The kid stands there looking at it like Luke from Episode III: A New Hope while it hums loudly during the inspection.
As I stand there staring and drooling in an episode of Star Wars-gasm, I decide with a beam that bright it has to be plugged into a wall outlet, but then the kid starts swinging it around and the damn thing starts making those “buzz hums” like in the series. He is slashing the air like a weasel hopped up on the crack and starts bashing the tables of books around him. The lightsaber starts making the “clash” sounds and I almost drop to my knees in happiness. I stood there watching as the kid kept messing around until he finally shut it off. I had to hold myself back from crippling 3 midgets and a one armed gimp to get to it first.
Obviously I was now completely obsessed where he got such a toy, so while I am standing in line at the checkout I notice there are 4 lightsabers behind the counter, two Anakin and two Darth Vader. I don’t want to seem like a huge dork and ask to look at them, so I squint like a pirate trying to read the price tag from 20 ,000 ft away. All I can make out is that the price tag is a 3 digit number. That could be $100 or possibly $932, but I keep walking and trying to forget about it for the time being by sniffing the air because a McDonalds is right across the street and they have a playland….full of delicious plump tender babies!!
Try as I might I couldn’t get the image of that lightsaber out of my head, so the next evening we went to Borders for the sole purpose of acquiring the lightsaber at all costs. I get in line and stand there for 7 hours while some stupid grey hair is arguing with the apathetic teenage counter boy about some damn CD he wants and how the kid is doing his job wrong. I mean the entire inventory and sales system is ran on a computer network so I am sure Captain Kangaroo in front of me can just hop his artificial hip wearing ass over the counter and get everything worked out in the system without a moments hesitation. Plus, he would do it while smelling like old spice and rotten baby food as an added bonus.
As I am standing there battles are being won and lost in the land of Eternia for the soul of Evil Lynn and the slime from Hordak’s slime pit. Moss man creeps me out. Any way I hear some sounds coming up from the back of the store and it appears other people have heard about the amazingly realistic looking lightsabers. We have 2 guys in their early 30’s walking up acting like they are having a lightsaber duel, complete with their own sound effects. Next thing I know they have walked straight up to the sabers behind the counter and start looking at them. I then hear those dreaded words: "lets buy all of these and put them on eBay". Dear god, my heart started to race and my eyes dilated because I knew I was dealing with a pair of toy mongers. Toy mongers are basically older mongoloids who go into stores and purchase all of the rare or best toys and then sell them for triple the price on eBay or other sites. I hate them.
The poor counter kid calls for backup at the registers and luckily enough the new kid sees me standing in line, right as the toy mongers try to steal my purchase, and asks me if I need help. I semi-yell in anticipation, “I want to see the Darth Vader lightsaber”!!! The kid hands me the box and I inspect all of the photos and read some of the text…it really is all a blur to me now. I search the box for a price tag, but don’t see one anywhere. By this point the toy mongers are asking to see the display lightsaber that is out of the box and start inspecting it. I ask the kid behind the counter and he says they are $120. I said sold. He said, “Good choice”. I just smiled at the fact that in 7 short minutes I would be at home with my lightsaber chasing the cats around the house in all of my dark force using glory. The counter kid then exclaims, “Holy shit, these are on sale. They are only $100.” I exclaimed, “Rock!” and the deal was sealed.
Before I had even gotten through the front door I was already tearing into the box. I swipe everything off the coffee table and begin to unpackage my new lightsaber. Everything is sealed in Styrofoam and plastic, but I tear through it as if I was Thundar the Barbarian himself. After I remove the last sleeve of plastic I am holding in my hands the closest thing to Darth Vader’s actual lightsaber I have ever seen. Then I wet myself.
This toy is completely bad ass. It is made by the same people who have created all of the exact replicas of movie props for both Star Wars and Star Trek. Obviously they call themselves Master Replicas and they deserve the title. The blade itself is made out of some form of polycarbonate plastic that actually lights up in stages like the saber is really powering up and extending. The blade itself is very bright and you would swear it was an actual lightsaber ignited in front of you. The hilt is completely fabricated out of metal with an INSANE amount of detail. Switches, wiring, and design are amazing and would trick Darth Vader himself, but if he pulled this out in battle it would be a sad day for the Empire.
After installing 3 AA batteries, that are located in the hilt, I fired up the lightsaber using the detailed switch. At that point time and space lost all meaning to me as I stared at the beam before me in awe for at least 27 hours. During that time the lightsaber hummed loudly and I shed a tear. I began swinging the lightsaber around in the living room and it warbled and hummed like in the movies. Today was the best day of my life. My significant other was in the kitchen so I rush in and started attacking her with my new toy. Upon contact with her skull the lightsaber emitted a clash sound like I was engaged in a lightsaber duel with Luke Skywalker himself. I bludgeoned her for the rest of the night and had to take her to the hospital in the early morning hours because of internal bleeding. I love you George Lucas and so does she.
Over all the Darth Vader Lightsaber FX Replica by Master Replicas kicks complete ass. They state it is only slightly larger than the movie prop because of the electronics in it and it comes with a really cool display stand. I recommend this to everyone, even the bum on the corner with only $4.23 in pennies. Sure he will have to pimp himself out to earn the extra cash, but even degrading nameless sexual acts in Texaco restrooms are enough to earn the money for this toy. Though it is pricey at $100, I think the money is well worth the product. Plus, have you ever tried to eat macaroni and cheese with a lightsaber?!
For more on this product visit:
masterreplicas.com
**Bonus**
Don't feel like you can plop down $100 for a lightsaber? Don't be discouraged, that only means you would rather eat for a week than live off of macaroni and cheese and PB & J sandwiches. Sure I am going to deduct points for your lack of geekhood, but you won't be the one trying to eat glass to puncture your stomach lining and end it all. Luckily, I have an alternative for you thrifty spenders, or what I like to call "cheap bastards".
Right now, on your grocery store shelves, you are missing out on a big reward. I know most of you probably eat Horken Fiber Chunks or those nasty ass Grape-nuts that taste more like the colored gravel you put in your fish aquarium, but you need to go hit up some Frosted Flakes. In each box of Frosted Flakes you can now receive your very own lightsaber spoon!! Yes, shovel ceral in your mouth with a spoon that lights up as either red, green, or blue!! These things aren't cheaply made either...well compared to other crappy ceral box toys. The "bright as 1,000 suns" light they have in them really do make the little shits glow like crazy. They also took some extra time designing the "hilt" or the spoon handle in this case. You know when they join eating, Star Wars, and toys I basically reach Zen and become one with the McDonalds!
-LaVarious
04 -24-05
