I get bored pretty quickly with life in general,
so I always have to be up to something or at least thinking about
being up to something in the near future. A few weeks ago I came
up with a plan to create and build a sign promoting something
called "Meat Logs" and then leave the sign out in the
public with nothing but an arrow pointing meat log lovers in the
general direction of said logs of meat. I had a general idea where
I wanted to put the sign and with a little surveillance decided
on the Northeast corner of Power Road and Southern Avenue in Mesa,
Arizona. This site has lots of little stores and restaurants,
plus it is right at a major intersection with a mall nearby. My
goal was: a) to laugh my ass of at the absurdity of the sign.
b) see how long the sign would last out in the public realm.
I am currently working on another article and
while we were out shopping for that I spied a Lowe's across the
street and decided, on the spur of the moment, to go ahead and
make my meat log sign fantasy a reality. We wandered through Lowe's
with the middle-aged zombies and slowly acquired all of the materials
we would need to make my glorious sign. The total for all of my
crap was right around $50, but it was $50 I was proud to spend
for the website. Sure, I could have gotten a Vietnamese prostitute
down in the ghetto for that, but then I would have to pay about
$150 to get rid of the clap.
I have a really bitch'n workspace
called "my garage" that is packed from floor-to-ceiling
with tons of boxes filled with our crap that I refuse to unpack
because it took me so long to pack them to begin with. We basically
live like squatters out of our own house. I am not sure how long
we will stay in this house, so I won't give into unpacking and
actually making the place livable. Yes, I am bizarre and weird
so be happy you don't live with me. I bet about 1/2 of those boxes
are filled with toys and other crap no one really cares about
but me.
I got home and started building the sign. I
decided on a sandwich board layout made out of wood which I would
hand paint. I figured with this type of sign people would be less
inclined to mess with it since it would appear to be the official
announcement for some local business. Longevity was the key word
I was striving for in my madness. So I got to painting my wooden
panels white. Each panel got 2 coats of paint, front and back.
After the boards were primed and
ready to go I brought them into the kitchen where I could enlarge
the Tasty Meat Log graphic with my projector. I knew my painting
skills weren't going to be perfect, but I can only come up with
so many unique fonts off the top of my head and I doubt they would
be very straight if I just freehanded them. I also knew the sign
had to look good from 30 feet away, not 2 feet...which is good
because I can't paint worth a shit.
After I stenciled on the text I
started painting my wonderful pieces of plywood. Plywood sucks
to paint on. It is not smooth at all and that really tends to
piss me off, but unless I was going to shell out $20 per board
I would have to stick with what I bought. I didn't want to dump
more money into this project than I already had...$50 was my limit.
Each word got 2 coats of paint
to make them solid and legible. I had a large fan behind me the
entire time I was painting to speed up the drying process. I wanted
to get this bastard done as fast as possible so I could get inside
and watch that Golden Girls marathon on Lifetime. That Blanche
is quite the character.
It was getting close to 2:30am
and my painting skills were starting to feel the burn. I had been
up since 6:30am the following day and both my eyes and brain were
exhausted, but I decided to press on and get this crap done. You
can see my sloppiness start to show as blotches of paint have
fallen on the board and my patience for painting the letters was
wearing thin.
After the lettering was done my
nephew and I drove to the area to case it and make sure it was
whereI really wanted to place the sign. After a 20 minute drive
I decided that my original location was perfect and that there
was even a lamp post nearby to attach the sign to so no one would
steal it. I got home and got my arrow painted on as fast as I
could while laughing like a madman.
With all of my sloppy painting
I went back over my mistakes with the original white paint. It
really made the lettering look much better and the sign was really
starting to look official. Now I had to start assembling the entire
thing and get ready for the placement tomorrow.
I drilled 3 holes in the top of
both boards and started zip tying the boards together. This was
both cheaper and faster than actually purchasing and installing
a hinge. Plus at 3:15am you aren't too mechanically inclined and
I would have probably installed a hinge to my crotch or something
on accident.
Here is the top of the sign all
zip tied together. I took a pair of scissors and trimmed off the
excess ties and unfolded the board to check it out. This sign
was goddamn hilarious from afar. I can only imagine what the neighbors
thought if they were up and looking in my garage at 3am. I am
a genius.
Next I drilled a hole and ran 5
feet of 1/8" steel cable through the sign and attached it
with aluminum sleeves to lock it in place. This was my anti-theft
feature so no one could easily remove the sign from my location
without actually clipping the wire with a pair of bolt cutters.
When I installed the sign tomorrow the other end of the wire would
go around the lamp post and be locked in place by another aluminum
sleeve. Try and steal my magnificent sign now you little bastards.
To keep the sign from splitting
apart and falling down I attached 2 eye-hooks and a 2 foot length
of chain inside the sign. The eye-hooks screwed into the sign
and made it quite stable and easy to setup. Not only that but
by adding this small feature inside it even made the sign look
even more official, like it was actually supposed to be there.
WIth that said the sign was finished. I stumbled into the house
and went to bed around 4:30am. I knew tomorrow would be the install
and I could hardly wait to wake up and finish up the project.
I rolled out of bed around 3pm
on Saturday, loaded the sign in my car, and headed to the corner
of Southern Ave. and Power Road. It was nice and sunny by the
time we got there. My nephew was the camera man and Lori helped
me with the install. Needless to say we were all excited.
Lori is prepared with a set of
my bolt cutters to crush the aluminum sleeve onto the cable and
lock the sign in place for eternity. Lori looks official with
her ID badge and sunglasses...I would swear she was an agent right
out of the Matrix.
We head through the rocks and have
to hop a little wall before we make it to our objective in the
distance, the light pole. Back in my college days I ran hurdles,
so this little wall was nothing my fatass could not handle with
my cat-like ninja reflexes.
Here I am sizing up the pole and
getting my cable ready to lock in place. We were like little worker
gnomes going about our business as traffic streamed past us on
the busy road.
Lori watches as I unfold the sign
and begin to get the cable in my vile grasp. She eagerly waits
with bolt cutters at the ready.
I start threading the aluminum
sleeve into the cables. I feel like Betsy Ross and look like Meat
Loaf.
I wrap the steel cable around the
light post and begin the docking procedure for my anti-theft device.
Cars drive past without any clue
there are no real meat logs to be had in this shopping establishment.
The Fools!!
With the cable threaded and wrapped
around the pole it is time for Lori to steady the aluminum sleeve
before I crush it into place.
The bolt cutters emerge and I begin
the lock down sequence. This bitch isn't moving for anyone.
Oops, I cut off Lori's finger.
No, I am lying...it was her big toe. I am almost through with
my awesome crushing rage.
With the crushing complete the
sign is placed into position slightly on the sidewalk. I proudly
display my creation for all to see and hold my bolt cutters with
pride. My baby is home and should be there for some time. I plan
to cruise past every now-and-then to make sure it is still standing.
I will leave you updates as to how it is doing and will take more
photos as it ages.
Check out the video of the drive by of
the sign prank after it has been installed:
Meat
Log Video
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***UPDATE***
11-10-06
We drove past the sign tonight
on our way to Wal-mart to get supplies for another article. It
was dark, but we noticed that the sign was no longer there. I
was disappointed because I was hoping the sign would at least
have made it one week, but I knew it would eventually come down.
Well, after Wal-mart I decided I needed one last pass to make
sure it was gone and to my joy it wasn't gone at all, it had only
been knocked down. So I parked my car and snapped a photo of the
sign and then set it back in place and snapped another photo.
It looks like the sign has indeed made it one week out in the
public. I wonder if someone was disgruntled because they couldn't
find the tasty meat logs and decided to take vengeance on my poor
sign?
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11-11-06
My parents drove past the sign
this evening around 5:00pm and noticed someone had knocked it
down again, so they did the only sensible thing possible; they
pulled the car over, got out, and set the sign back into position.
My nephew works at the mall down the block, so he is going to
check on it everyday he goes to work to make sure it is proudly
being displayed in all its glory. Sorry, my parents didn't snap
any photos of their heroic achievement in the name of my own sick
humor, but it is the thought that counts.
Now with this being the second
day in a row the sign has been knocked down there is great debate
in my family as to whether it is a bitter shop owner in the retail
complex or some angry punks who are waiting on the bus stop about
40 feet away. This debate could get bloody. A debate to the death.
-------------------------------------------------
11-18-2006
My nephew was on his way to work
tonight and found the sign down again, so he pulled over and placed
it back in its upright position. I am sure santa will be good
to him this year for his kind deeds.
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11-30-06
The Meat Log sign is still there,
but was down again today. My nephew stopped again and set it back
in place so all will know in what direction to hunt for their
tasty meat logs. The sign has really lasted longer than I thought
it would at this point. I am now hoping it will make it to see
2007.
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12-2-06
High winds have really been pounding
my area of town the last few days and my fears were confirmed
as my nephew drove past the beloved sign today and found it down.
I was making plans to run past there this evening to erect it
again so all could behold its majestic glory, but my parents beat
me to it and called to say they had done their duty and up righted
my downed masterpiece. Would your parents keep watch on a fake
sign for you and then actually take time out of their day to stop,
set the thing back up if it was down, and then call you to report
their deed so you could log it on your lame website? I didn't
think so. My family rocks.
11:00pm - Heavy winds ripping
through the valley
The sign was down for the second
time today and spotted by my newphew as he was getting off work
at the mall around 11pm. He called and let me know he also went
the extra mile today and positioned it back into place. May heaven
have mercy on his soul.
-------------------------------------------------
12-3-06
Heavy winds were still ripping
through the valley most of the day and night. I had to rush my
cat to an emergency vet around 7pm. Not to worry, she just had
a little tummy infection and we got some pills for her. Okay,
you really don't care. On the way back home I swung past the sign
and found it was down, so I picked it back up and placed it into
position.
-------------------------------------------------
-LaVarious
11-04-06
