My friends, how I have missed you, but how angry
I have been because…well…I am always angry. I am a
bitter fat hermit and nothing will stop me. Read on to watch me
vent my pent-up frustrations on Quiznos because I think they are
all mongoliods and I had nothing better to do this Sunday. I am
sure their corporate office will love the letter I longingly penned
to them. Plus, I am trying to gear up for my Halloween article
and I didn’t want to leave you hanging that long.
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Dear Quiznos,
I have been a loyal customer to your delectable
sandwich shop since 1999 and usually visit a Quiznos about once
a week. Yes, you can also tell I visit your shop every week because
of my girth and the fact that I have to be buttered up to fit
through doorways, but that isn’t really the point. I can’t
pinpoint what draws me there since you have so much to offer such
as tasty salads, delicious subs, delightful soups, not to mention
your snicker doodle cookies are to-die-for. That all changed the
day the gates of hell opened and I found demon flesh in my Black
Angus on Rosemary Parmesan Bread. Okay, I didn’t technically
find the festering pus-filled epidermis of a hell-walker in my
meal, but that is only because I never ordered a meal.
I visited your Quiznos Store #2814 on Baseline
and Ellsworth in Mesa, Arizona on Saturday, October 7th, 2006.
We had been to this store a few times and although the food was
decent the staff seemed as if they ate paste in their spare time
while licking the windows on their short bus bound for their special
school where everyone must wear a helmet and padded gloves.
We walked in and noticed right off that the
line was pretty long, but we didn’t care because we were
going to eat Quiznos damn it, even if it killed us. Well, it almost
did kill us since it only took the ONE person who was working
in this store only about 498 years before it was our turn to order.
Okay, it wasn’t actually 498 years because I can’t
bend the forces of quantum mechanics to my will, but it was at
least 45 minutes. Why didn't I just leave? Because I am a goddamn
idiot.
Now, lets get back to the main reason it was
taking SO long. There was ONE employee manning the ENTIRE store.
There weren’t people in the back getting high on paint fumes
and playing Monopoly, this poor bastard was all alone. Other customers
began getting pissed and were asking when he was going to get
some help and his reply was 4pm. That means he had to man the
restaurant from open, during lunch rush hour, until 4pm all by
his lonesome. Does that make one goddamn bit of sense to you?
Do you like Dan Conner?
You may be asking yourself, how did this window
licker manage to run the entire store? Well, let me break down
his routine for you. First, he would take the persons order and
make their sandwich, throw it in the oven, and then take the next
order in that person’s party. He did this until their entire
order was either going through or had been through the oven. With
as much crap as he was shoveling into that oven I was surprised
it didn’t start aborting sandwiches with force out the other
side because the people’s subs who went in first had to
wait at least 10 minutes before the rest of the order was finished
and on its way through the oven of doom.
Next he would make his way around the gates
of hell and appear on the other side to put the fresh lettuce,
tomatoes, and other “fixins” on their slab of luke-warm
meat. I can’t imagine something that was toasted and then
sitting in the air conditioning would be very warm after 10 minutes,
but what do I know. After that he would work through the next
sandwich and the next until he had completed that order.
Then he would tear off his rubber gloves, sort
of creepy like Doctor Giggles, and ring the order through the
cash register. I would say for one party to go through this entire
scenario was around 17 minutes or so.
We waited the entire time and watched this procedure
over and over again. It was great making fun of the people who
were getting in line behind us and just coming in the door because
they had no clue they were more likely to receive a colostomy
bag in the next 45 minutes than actually get to place their order.
Some stayed, but most left after just one party went through the
line and they saw the jackassery that was taking place.
Well, after 45 minutes it was our turn to place
our order. It was like Christ himself parted the clouds wearing
a Fonzie costume and gave me the thumbs up. Our order was pretty
simple: We were going to get one order of the Country Chicken
soup in a bread bowl and one Cobb salad. See, nothing fancy or
over-the-top. Just a bowl of freaking soup and a damn salad.
Now I would like to stop here for a minute and
ask you, what is in a salad? Well, lets take a look at this rocket
science and find out:
Chicken breast, bacon, lettuce, hard-boiled
eggs, bleu cheese crumbles, tomatoes, red onion, Ranch Dressing
Got that? Very basic items seem to comprise
a salad. Now I know you are jabbing yourself in the eye with a
number 2 pencil and screaming, “Well duh dipshit, what did
you think was going to be in a salad? A stash of plutonium stolen
from the Lybian’s to power your time machine?”. No,
I pretty much knew what went in a salad, but I wanted to brief
you for the part coming up next. This part is classic. Much like
Mozart, Chopin, Hitler, and Beethoven this one will be going down
in history.
So I place the first part of my order by launching
my attack with the Cobb salad. You know what this kid says to
me? Sorry, but we are all out of salads. Yeah, you heard me correctly;
they were ALL out of salads. Wow, I am amazed and don’t
really know what to say. First I am pissed because I had to stand
in line for 45 minutes for a retarded soup and salad and now you
are telling me that you are out of salads, yet you haven’t
placed anything on your menu informing me of this, nor have you
made any announcements? I understand he isn’t going to break
out a megaphone and strobe lights to inform me they are out of
a certain item, but they could take 3 seconds to scribble it in
San Scrit on a piece of paper and tape it to the menu.
Then I start to think about it a little more
and I glance down and there in front of me are all the ingredients
I need to make a salad. Did you forget what they were? Here they
are again:
Chicken breast, bacon, lettuce, hard-boiled
eggs, bleu cheese crumbles, tomatoes, red onion, Ranch Dressing
Yeah, it seems that not only do you put these
items on sandwiches to add variety and flavor to them, but when
combined without the bread and meat they tend to make a salad.
By this point, after my long ass wait, I just
decide to say “screw it”, laughed at him, and walked
out. We will never be back to that Quiznos again or possibly any
Quiznos since it seems a great majority of them are ran by complete
tards.
Now, before I sign-off and let you go about
your regular work day of tossing pieces of thinly sliced deli
meat against your walls and watching it stick, I have one other
question for you: Does Quiznos fight vampires on the side? You
may think to yourself, this guy is a complete whack job -- and
though you’d be right-- I have had this theory for a while
now. Let me walk you through it.
Quiznos, while a great place to eat, seems to
close really early. I have noticed they close much earlier than
other restaurants around them in the same complex. This isn’t
just one single odd Quiznos either; I am talking about every Quiznos
I have come into contact with from Arizona to Ohio.
My theory is your staff has to close early because
they fight the living dead. I know when the sun starts going down
those diligent window lickers at Quiznos are cleaning their ovens
and washing their baking racks because they fight hordes of blood
drinkers and hate to clean the oven and stake a nosferatu through
the heart at the same time. Is this true? Is Darlene the semi-literate
mongoloid behind the counter really Blade the Vampire Slayer at
night? This is something I ask myself almost on every visit.
Why do you close when the sun starts to go down?
Are you afraid of the dark? Are you afraid of the sinister wicked
little midget clowns that crawl out of storm drains when dusk
drenches the landscape? Why can’t I order a salad or toasted
sub and have it be night? Will this make the Universe implode
upon the mass of itself or are you bastards just too cheap to
pay your workers for a few extra hours of store time?
XOXO,
LaVarious
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Well, there you have it. Yet another angry letter
sent out to corporate America, not that anyone is listening. As
usual I will post any response I get on here, but I wouldn't hold
my breath. I have never gotten an actual reply out of any of my
letters, but I am sure they are passed around in the corporate
offices for everyone to get a laugh at. Does it accomplish anything?
Other than relieving some stress for me and giving you a few laughs
I doubt it, but they sure are fun.
***BONUS CRAP***
Watch
a jackass get pwned on a treadmill tied behind a car. (1mb)
-LaVarious
10 -08-06
