I decided to pull yet another prank on my poor
unsuspecting parents because quite frankly I had nothing better
to do on a Saturday night. The lead in to this prank actually
started on Friday evening. It was my Dad’s 57th birthday
last week and on Friday we decided to take him out to eat his
birthday dinner. We all started to pile into the SUV when I noticed
a pair on expensive women’s Chanel sunglasses waiting for
my fat ass to crush them in the back seat. I handed them to my
Mom and told her Dad picked up a whore for his birthday and she
left her glasses back there. My Mom sort of gets a funny look
on her face, looks at the glasses, and then looks at my Dad. I
know the fun is about to begin for the rest of the evening.
My Dad does some handyman crap for the next
door neighbor. She is a single 70-something year old lady. Of
course I twist this into my Dad goes over there to have sex with
her all of the time. Well, he was just saying goodbye to her as
he crawling into the driver’s seat when my Mom laces into
him with an abrupt, “Who’s glasses are these?!”
My Dad sort of blinked and looked at the glasses and looked at
my mom clueless. I, of course, chimed in that those are Dad’s
Mexican prostitutes sunglasses because he was getting a little
action on his 57th. Dad looked to Mom and told her he had no idea
whose glasses they were. She gave him a “yeah, right”
and off we went on our drive to dinner.
You deserve a little more back-story. The week
prior to this was my nephew’s high school graduation. My
Dad went out on Saturday morning to pick up the cake. By the time
I showed up I was informed that the clerk at Costco dropped the
cake because some little heathen ripped away from his mother and
nailed his forehead on the cake box sending it careening to the
ground. My Dad explained that the lady then started yelling that
she was going to sue Costco because her poor child hit it’s
head on the cake box.
After listening to my Dad tell the story a few
times I called bullshit on him. I started explaining how Dad was
walking out to the car and tried to balance the cake in one hand
as he was opening the car door and it fell and hit the ground.
Dad started to look at the ground when I started my story and
by the end he starting laughing and almost crying and said he
sat the cake on the hood and it fell off. I caught him in his
lie red handed and so I used this against him on the entire ride
to the Mexican restaurant. By being able to tie in his previous
lie about dropping the cake box, which he did so my Mom wouldn't
kill him, he pretty much set himself up for the rest of the night
with this mysterious pair of female sunglasses.
Basically I showed my Mom how Dad was nailing
his “girlfriend” by jumping up on my knees in the
backseat and going to work on the seat back. I explained to my
Mom that her old cheerleading blanket was in the very back and
Dad liked to use that when they went into the desert to make mad
erotic love to each other. If I saw anything I could work into
my story I pressed it to my advantage. We passed a mattress on
the side of the road and I asked Dad if he would like to go back
and put it on the roof for the next time him and his whore wanted
to get busy. On-and-on it went the entire night.
My Mom was really started to get pissed and
kept asking Dad where the glasses came from. Dad would shake his
head and tell her he had no idea then he would look back at me
for some help and I would tell my Mom how Dad got herpes from
the Vietnamese prostitute on Van Buren, the local hooker hangout.
Finally my Mom really started getting pissed and my Dad was starting
to grab for anything and began accusing me of planting these expensive
Chanel female sunglasses in his SUV. Sure, it sounds like something
I would do and if I could have taken credit for it I would have,
but I really had no idea where the glasses actually came from.
Well, I knew he either really didn’t have
any idea how these sunglasses got into his car or he really did
have a prostitute in there, so I started thinking. When my nephew
had his graduation the week before he had a few friends from Indiana
come out to attend the ceremony with him. This man and his wife
stayed at my parents house and sure enough had ridden with my
Mom and Dad to the ceremony in the SUV. Of course they rode in
the back and I put two-and-two together and decided that is where
the glasses came from. I let my Dad sweat it out a little longer
and then I let everyone know where the glasses had actually come
from.
Well, the night passed and Saturday arrived.
We had all gotten a laugh over my Dad’s sex romp in the
SUV, so I decided to torment them a little more. The plan started
to hatch in my mind as I laid down for bed Friday night, but by
Saturday afternoon it was fully thought out. I would infiltrate
my parent’s house when they weren’t home, steal some
of my Dad’s tighty whiteys, and stage a sex scene in their
backyard in the middle of the night as they slept. Yes, it was
a glorious idea and one sure to confuse the hell out of my parents
when they woke up the next morning.
We began by picking up some see-thru panties
from Target along with a nice sized bra that was on clearance.
Lori hunted through the store to find just the right match that
screamed CHEAP SLUT at the top of your lungs without actually
saying anything at all. She loves to shop for stupid shit for
my worthless pranks.
Next I visited Walgreens to get my condoms,
personal lubricant, and a jar of peanut butter. Yeah, I think
I really disturbed the checkout girl with that purchase because
she wouldn’t even look me in the eyes and scanned my products
with such speed you would have sworn I was a leper.
I should also let you know that my Dad is sort
of a peanut butter fanatic. He eats peanut butter fudge, peanut
butter and butter sandwiches, peanut butter ice cream, peanut
butter in his ice cream, peanut butter milkshakes…basically
if it has peanut butter of some form in it my Dad will eat it.
I thought adding peanut butter to the sex romp he supposedly had
in the backyard would be the icing on the cake…peanut butter
icing.
I went all 007 on our way back from the store
and called my parents to find out where they were. Sure enough
they were just on their way back home after grabbing some dinner,
so I made a beeline for their house, entered, retrieved a pair
of my Dad’s underwear, and sped off like some sort of male
underwear stealing gnome.
After we assembled all of our crap we had to
find something that would resemble semen to place in the condoms.
Sure you may think that is gross, but to me it is the details
that really count. I suggested squirting some mayonnaise into
the condoms, but Lori had a much better idea. She had recently
used some corn starch to either make something to eat or poison
the small children that live around us. She had come to the conclusion
that the right consistency of corn starch and water made the perfect
fake love goo that money could buy. I have to agree she was right
on the money….the money shot that is.
I should be the spokesperson for Trojan condoms.
I mean who the hell ever wants to have a kid like me? No one.
Well, maybe someone who likes greasy fat kids. I like greasy fat
kids. Yay!!
I like to play the condom trumpet
in my spare time and I also enjoy hot stone massages. Tell me
that photo isn't the sexiest thing you have seen all month! I
also do children's parties!!
It is all about precision dynamics.
I like to fill each condom with a little bit of fake love liquid.
It comes straight from my heart to your dinner table.
Holy Shit!! That friggin r0ckz0rz
my s0ckz0rz!!! It doesn't take much to get me excited....or in
the mood.
For transportation purposes I thought
it would be best to seal the condoms with something to avoid spillage
in my shiny new car. I decided on the tried and proven method
of using a clothes pin. This is what George Washington used for
his condoms when crossing the Delware. I say if it isn't broke
don't fix it.
I guess on this condom my Dad has
been saving up for a while. Did you know this is the same udder
where you got your milk from this morning? Sunny farm fresh!
Deep in thought, I apply personal
lubricant to the crotch of these see-thru panties. It is really
sort of an art form.
It was kind of like painting with
personal lubricant on a pair of orange panties, wait...that is
EXACTLY what it was. Notice the sweet semen spillage on my black
sock. That is teh secsi!!
Never force the peanut butter onto the crotch
of a pair of your father's underwear....just sort of let it happen.
Amused? Bewildered? Contemplating
life? Many things will spring to your mind starring at a gooey
brown semi-solid on a pair of slightly faded used underwear.
Life lesson: Never lick peanut
butter, or what you might think is peanut butter, off a pair of
underwear.
Mongo likes to smear peanut butter
bras. Mongo likes bras. Mongo likes peanut butter. Do I smell
squid?
I think someone might have a problem
and you might want to get tested for the herpes.
If that isn't one of the most revolting
things you'll see in your life I don't know what is. Wait. I didn't
mean revolting, I meant tasty.
It is always best to smear peanut
butter all over the tube of personal lubricant before applying....it
makes your hands smell more like peanuts and less like rape.
So after gathering all of our goodies
in a handy assortment of zip lock bags we headed over to my parents
backyard to layout the perverse sex scene my father drunkenly
had during the night while my poor mother was asleep. I figured
first thing he would do is sling his crotched soaked peanut butter
underwear over the chair.
As my father fondled his whore's
breasts with his peanut butter infused hands he would have nailed
her right there on the outside table. God, he is such an carnal
animal.
Next he tore off her nasty little
panties, whipped out the lubricant, and gored her to death on
his manhood right there on the outside barka lounger!!!
See how carelessly he throws his
used condoms around? The man is a walking erection!!
This was my father's last stand
with his little slut as he finished her on the outside iron bench.
I bet his ass hurts from rubbing on those metal slats!
Well, that was it. I really wanted
to take some more photos, but my parents window in their bedroom
was about 5 feet behind me on those pictures and I was afraid
the constant flashes might wake them up. We slipped out like ninjas
in the night and arrived home around 1:30am. I will post the aftermath
as soon as I wake up and find out what sort of message they have
left me on my phone. I can only imagine what will go through their
minds when they wake up at 5am and walk out onto their back patio
to have coffee first thing in the morning.
***Update***
Other than damaging my Mother's
barka lounger they thought it was pretty funny. Listen to the
phone call here(4.6mb).
-LaVarious
6 -3-07
