Well, you know the apocalypse is near if you are getting 2 new articles in less than a week. Since the cable man found out I hooked up my own cable and decided to unhook it for me I have had a lot of time on my hands and other than looking at massive quantities of porn I figured I could actually get something else up on the site. Today I bring you the new god of the Transformers.....Starscream.

Starscream has always been one of my favorite Decepticons. He doesn’t take shit from anyone, he speaks his mind, and he turns into a fucking jet o’ doom. I mean how much cooler can you get? He can’t you say? Peashaw!! If he could dispense mayonnaise out of his mouth we would be BFF and have matching necklaces to prove it. If he dispensed Miracle Whip he can rust in the fiery pits of Hades for all eternity. Nothing says “this tastes like mold infested sour breast milk” more than Miracle Whip.

This version of Starscream is produced under the Transformers: Cybertron installment and can currently be found in crappy stores near you. Starscream retails for around $49.99, but he is worth every penny and several of my childhood teeth I keep in reserve just for occasions such as this. He is also the largest of the current toy line and dwarfs both Optimus Prime and Megatron. In the shot above I have placed my ultra geektastic EB Games card, which is the same size as a credit/debit card, to give you a sense of his scale. Starscream is gigantic and it appears his size is due to his new status as the leader of the Decepticons and because Nellie Olson had the hots for him in 5th grade, but Ms. Bettle forbid their tainted human/robot love.

I haven’t really been able to see any of the new cartoons for Transformers: Cybertron since I am waiting for a bit before I decide to rewire my apartment for cable, but I hear they are pretty good plot wise. Of course I just made that up since no one I know watches Transformers, but I am allowed to do that since I don't have any friends. This version of the Transformers has it’s own gimmick in the form of “Planet Keys”. I have to admit that “Planet Keys” seem a lot cooler than “Transmetals” and “Pretenders”. If you actually understand my obscure reference then you need to get out more often and realize that no matter how much you may wish it Arcee will never visit you in real life and touch your joy stick. Anyway, the “Planet Keys” unlock special powers in the Transformers.

Starscream came packaged with 2 keys and for $50 he damn well should have. He has both the “Earth” key and the “Decepticon” key. When not in use they both store nicely in his back. When dry humping him on the floor pretending he is my special special little robotic sausage I have yet to “accidently” knock one out, so you should be able to keep them attached to him without losing them like you did all of your He-man weapons...don’t even try to lie we know you lost Hordak’s scepter you little bastard.

The only current Transformer I have out of the Cybertron toy line is Starscream, so I am not sure what other Transformers gain by plugging the keys into them, but on his left arm Starscream brandishes a sweet ass missile launcher. On his right arm is the sinister butterknife of terror!! Be wary of any english muffins you may have lying around or Starscream will whip out his trusty purple butter knife and defile all of the nooks and crannies you were planning on enjoying yourself in the morning. He is sick like that and licks urinal cakes out of that nasty Texaco bathroom just to see that disgusted look on your face after he does it. You have been warned.

The “special” weapons themselves are concealed under both of his arms and when “activated” swing out like switch blades and lock into place. The missile launcher is nicely designed and actually shoots the missile a good distance. The butter knife is purple and knifelike and can spread butter or margarine, your choice. Both weapons have their own lights and sound effects and the butter knife comes with a detachable crumb tray.

Starscream’s Jet mode looks more like a space craft than a jet, but for things that are 2 stories tall and can crush me with a flick of their fingers I won’t complain. The jet is ultra-futuristic and actually looks cool when it is transformed. The entire process of transformation only takes about 1-2 minutes depending on how retarded you are and if you accidently drop him in your bowl of Spaghetti-O’s because you were too drunk off the “medicine” to manipulate him. When transformed in robot mode Starscream is very fluid in his stances because he has quite a few points of articulation. In his spare time he enjoys staying in the “down dog” position or working on his Kegel exercises to help with his urinary incontinence and sex life, much like Edna Garrett.

Since Starscream is now the leader of the Scooby gang he gets some weird ass “Decepticon Crown”. I think the other Decepticons are just fucking with him and just picked the damn thing up at Burger King during Shockwave’s last birthday party. Don’t even get me started on what he did in the ball pit when no one was looking. The crown is kind of cool, and by kind of cool I mean “what the hell were they thinking”. Instead of looking more powerful or menacing he really just reminds me of the King of Cartoons. Today’s word of the day is “gullible” so when you see Starscream, scream real loud. I find it rather fishy that in all of the millennia Megatron was the Deception leader he never had to wear a hood ornament on his head, but what would I know since I have sex with my hand?

Whomever was in charge of overseeing the construction of Starscream in their third world slave labor camp did a good job. I can only imagine the deft fingers of some pre-teen, who is only paid in gruel and is chained to his work station by leg irons, can output something this nicely assembled. Starscream definitely has some weight to him and feels sturdy in both jet and robot modes. Not only that but he can actually stand on his own 2 legs without the assistance of your hand, a wall, or a entire brick of oil based clay. For something of his size that is no easy feat and I should know since I am the size of an average beluga whale. I am hungry for fish sticks or possibly 53 tons of brine shrimp.

Overall I give Starscream a very high rating. He actually occupied my time far longer than I expected when I broke him out of his box. I didn’t think of food for possibly 7 minutes when we were first introduced and that might be a record for Guinness. The attention to detail and the quality of the sculpture give this toy a very realistic true-to-cartoon feel, which is hard to reproduce in a toy as complex as a Transformer or a multi-speed wall mounted dildo. They have also invested a good chunk of time in development to give this figure multiple points of articulation which add to the overall superior dynamic of this toy. If you have an extra $50 I would suggest purchasing Starscream instead of that albino deaf Puerto Rican midget gimp you were eyeing on eBay. Trust me, the gimp just isn’t worth it in the long run.

***Bonus Crap***

When finishing my photo shoot with Starscream none other than Omega Supreme waltz into my studio to ridicule a Transformer of his own size. Starscream quickly illustrates who will be the robo-bitch in their relationship.

Omega Supreme: Nice crown. Are you supposed to be the fairy king?

Starscream: .....

Starscream: Who's the fairy king now bitch? Squeal like a piggy!!

Starscream: Does that feel good? You like that? Quit screaming or I swear to god this ether I have behind the couch is going on a rag and over your mouth.

Omega Supreme: YeeeeeeHaaaaaaaw. *Snap*

***More Extra Crap Version 2.1***

While Starscream and I were in our photo shoot we were also attacked by a furry shark from deep deep down on the ocean floor. Much like that footage of bigfoot we only got a blurry representation of what the creature actually was since it attacked with such intensity and speed:

 

If you liked this article you might also want to check out my review of Omega Supreme.

-LaVarious
10-1-05