Next to Robert E. Lee, Thomas J. Jackson, also known as Stonewall Jackson, is the most revered of all Confederate commanders. A graduate of West Point (1846), he served in the artillery in the Mexican War, earning two brevets, before resigning to accept a professorship at the Virginia Military Institute. Thought strange by the cadets, he earned "Tom Fool Jackson" and "Old Blue Light" as nicknames, not to mention “Twinkle Toes” and “Ether Nap, Ass Sore”.
During the beginning of the American Civil War Stonewall Jackson helped a rouge band of pirates enter through what was then known as New Orleans, Louisiana. Through their drunken escapades it was found out that Stonewall Jackson was a Nordic God who could call on the power of Thor and Loki to vanquish his foes in battle. It was also noted that Stonewall Jackson had an enormous horde of child pornography he kept in the old black cooking pot they used to make spicy chili.
During his time in the war Jackson became infatuated with little plastic stacking blocks called LEGOS. He spent many of his nights on the battlefield building forts and treasure ships while his comrades slept. Several times he caught enemies spies in camp by leaving LEGOS scattered about so the barefoot spies would walk across them and screech out in pain. He then used his magical ball-peen hammer to subdue the would-be attacker and cooked him into a gruel everyone would eat for breakfast.
Many do not know that Stonewall Jackson was eerily silent and liked to keep to himself and what he liked to call his "wheel of fish". Jackson would wake up early each morning to catch a new group of fish that he would nail to a crude spinning wheel he had constructed. He then, over breakfast, would have the troops call out numbers that corresponded to the fish. Once a fish was picked Jackson would ask several drilling questions and then flog it repeatedly with his oatmeal spoon while hacking up a moist wet cough. Other times the fish would simply be dipped in bread oil and slathered across his erect man nipples.
After the war with the Incas, which Jackson single handedly repelled, he began a lucrative career as a bicycle courier in downtown Memphis. He delivered various types of cured meats off of his meat-cycle. Most common on the menu were bolognas and salamis that he would purchase from Jim’s Pickle Barrel Ass in Cleveland, Ohio. At the end of the day Jackson liked to bathe small school children from Saint Rita’s School of the Blind in a mixture of oil and cured food stuffs.
Later in life Stonewall Jackson lost his mind and would blindly hump anything within hip-thrusting range. His favorite items to hump were gym socks, stuft animals from the World’s Fair, potted plants, small dogs, trees at least 8 inches in diameter, and small wooden soldiers. Jackson also liked to dig in the backyard and consume vast quantities of dirt with his toothless maw. Like a mighty Sarlacc pit earthworms, grubs, and mites were nothing more than pawns in his eternal writhing gut.
Stonewall Jackson died at the age of 114 after he got a case of the trots from a Venezuelan prostitute named Stew. All that was left of his estate were some crude fecal sculptures of ships, several glass bottles of nail clippings, and a few dirty and crust filled old LEGO building blocks from his time in the French and Indian War. No one knows what ever happened to his mighty magical ball-peen hammer, no one but that filthy slut Stew and his man-dieseases.
-LaVarious
5-09-06
