Well, it has been a while, so I decided I should probably do another article since you have all waited patiently for me to get through ingesting all of the Hostess Ding-Dongs in the Metro Phoenix area. The real question was, what the hell am I going to write about? Sure, I still have an article to do on the Robosapien and The Matrix Online, but I am not in a product review sort of mood. So, I sat here for a few minutes trying to decide what I should write about and then I got hungry. Imagine that. After taking down a slightly lame wildebeest I decided I would write about one of my favorite hobbies of all time…molesting the minds of telemarketers.

Some people want to be added to the DNC (Do Not Call) list, but I would lose about 1/3 of my total happiness if I did that. I LOVE these calls. I CRAVE these calls. I am HUNGRY again. Did someone say steak? I have been saying for years that I was going to get a simple phone tap to record all of my inbound telemarketing calls for everyone to enjoy, but unfortunately I have never taken the time to do it. Well, I still haven’t taken the time, so don’t get your hopes up on the article that I went to Radio Shack just for you to get the whole $10 worth of equipment to do it. I may in the future though, especially if you like this article. Do you like me? Do you really really like me?

I began screwing with the telemarketers at a young age. I would answer the calls when I was a lot younger, thus not gone through puberty, and my voice was as silky soft as Natalie from The Facts of Life. Of course, people would assume I was the “lady” of the household. Some might view this as an insult, but I loved it because that meant they thought I was some mother of 2 who was sitting on her ass all day eating Bon-Bons while watching Young and the Brainless on TV. I would mainly screw around with them by asking them to hold for one second while I went to get a pen and paper to write everything down or while I took the roast out of the oven. Then I would simply leave them hanging on the other end of the line while I continued playing Duck Hunt in my room. I always wondered what they thought was going on by hearing the death rattle of ducks and the smirking laugh of a son-of-a-bitch dog. I hate that dog. I hate you. Eventually I would pick the phone back up and believe it or not, sometimes those bastards had actually waited on me for over 8 minutes. Then I would tell them I was going to eat their face because I was Brundle Fly and hang up.

This sort of stuff went on all through high school, but my voice did eventually change…I think. Soon I was having the Army call me non-stop trying to get me to enlist and serve my country. Obviously the Army had never actually seen me, but maybe they thought with all my blubber I make a good deep sea reconnaissance vessel. How they got my number was always a mystery to me. I took the ASFAB like everyone else only I was creative with some of my information. Sure, I may look like a fat white kid, but I am really Azranth Lord of the Seventh Level of Hades. I arrived at school everyday on my chariot of hell-fire tethered to the hounds of hell. Don’t believe me? Go check out my ASFAB test then.

It also shows that I am a Alaskan Native Inuit who practices Set Worship with a glass of milk sitting on a Ouija board. Not only that, but I filled in my telephone number with the local time/temp number of my town and stated I lived on Zartog Moon 3 in the Wild Barrens region of the universe. My answers were simple on the actual test. They gave us around 30minutes to an hour for each section and I finished my little ScanTron sheet in about 3 minutes with all sorts of great designs that looked like alien hieroglyphs. The rest of the time I sat there drawing pictures of centaurs and giant chickens. They were obviously impressed.

So, somehow they got my number and started giving me a call. They were sly with their techniques by pretending to know me when I answered the phone. Then they would launch into their sales pitch about money for college, free Vietnamese prostitutes, and a case of the clap. I was short with them at first and told them I wasn’t interested, but this wouldn’t stop them…they never stop. I began completely screwing around with them whenever they would call. Since the recruiter called me 2,400 times a day I was very familiar with his voice. Soon he was offering to stop past on the weekend so we could go on a run. Yes, you heard me right…he wanted me to go jogging with him. I laughed my ass of when he asked me this and I told him I was a huge lazy plump bastard who would be sleeping in until 1pm on the weekends and then eating cold pizza for breakfast. I thought this would surely get him, but it didn’t and he launched into the “fat kids” sales pitch on how the Army could help me lose weight so I could be uber-sexy for all of the lady folk. I seriously think he said lady folk. He scared me. I knew then and there I would have to be more creative in my calls so he would stop calling. The next time he called I told him I had asthma and was a homosexual necrophiliac who dabbled in granny pr0n on the side. Obviously with the whole “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy I was now guaranteed silence from the Army. But before me and my Army Recruiter parted ways he made sure to send my info to the Navy recruiter and thus the cycle was repeated. I know you haven’t made it this far into the article….I am not even really writing an article anymore I am just sitting here bashing the keyboard with my eyes closed. Watch: lkjfdklsjf lkfds[ied poa;sld ncaowd akd fkhld sfsfdsdfs. And that is why chickens are blue.

Soon high school was just a blur and I was in college. No, I mean literally high school was a blur because I was raging drunk every night in college. Actually, most of college was a blur to. Where am I? In college I finally got my own phone line and answering machine. Things were looking up I was either unemployed or making minimum wage, skipping classes, and living off of Ramen Noodles for weeks at a time, but I had my own phone line damn it! My answering machine soon became a source of amusement for me, mainly because I am pathetic. I would record new messed up messages everyday. Sometimes they were movie clips, other times they were little voices and what not that I would come up with. Some of them were highly stolen from the Jerky Boys and others were just demented creations out of my mind. Around this time I found one of my favorite telemarketing pranks that I still employ today when the mood strikes me right:

Me: Hello?
Tele: Yes, is LaVarious in?
Me: What? (sounds sort of shocked)
Tele: I am trying to reach LaVarious, is he in?
Me: Oh my god. (starts crying into the phone hysterically)
Tele: Sir?
Me: (chocking back the tear and anguish) Yes, LaVarious was my former roommate. (more crying) But he died in a plane crash 3 days ago…(breaks into a huge fit of crying and wailing)
Tele: Oh. Oh. I am SO sorry to hear that. (sounds sad or possibly uncomfortable)
Me: We….we….grew up together. I knew him since first grade when he moved into the house beside me. (sniffling) We said we would be friends forever and now he has left me (trying to hold it together).
Tele: Sir, I didn’t mean to…
Me: Just 3 days ago, before I dropped him off at the airport, we played Tekken 2 until our fingers started bleeding. He finally beat me 51-50. I stood up and called him a fat pasty bastard and threw the controller at him. It was the first time he ever beat me and I belittled him because of his white translucent skin and his enormous eating disorder….(breaks down)…..I have to go….
Tele: Sir….
Me: (hang up)

Yes, I am a cruel bastard, but they are there to provide me with amusement. That bit is classic and I use it with little subtle changes every now and then. You can use it too, but you have to give me full rights and I require a Big N’ Tasty with cheese each time you use it. Seriously, if I find out you are using it without paying me my McDonald’s I will come over to your house and eat everyone you love. That includes pets.

After college I began trying to work new routines into my telemarketing mind bomb with such classics as: Pick an object in your house and repeat it:

Me: Hello?
Tele: Yes, I am trying to get a hold of Laaaa….Various?
Me: Stapler?
Tele: Hello?
Me: Stapler.
Tele: Yes, I am trying to contact LaVarious?
Me: Stapler!
Tele: Excuse me?
Me: Stapler?
Tele: Sir?
Me: Stapler.
Tele: Is LaVarious in?
Me: Stapler?!
Tele: Good day sir.

Make odd noises into the phone when they try to deliver their sales pitch:

Me: Hello?
Tele: Hello, I was trying to contact LaVarious.
Me: This is he.
Tele: Sir, this is Amanda (starts making weird noises with my throat) I……work…….with……..Global Window………
Me: Yes?
Tele: Um, I am with Global Window Systems (starts making more weird noises) we……are……….wanting…….to………know…….if………
Me: Sure, go ahead.
Tele: Know if you’d be interested in (starts screeching into the phone) ordering…….I don’t have to put up with this shit *click*
Me: Thank you please pull to the second drive thru window.

Have something negative to say about a charity requesting donations:

Me: Hello?
Tele: Hello, my name is Brad and I am collecting donation for the Fraternal Order of Police. With a simple donation of $500 we can supply our officers with the latest in bullet proof technology, new fire arms, and upgrading the systems in their patrol cars. For your donation you will receive an Official FOOP sticker to place on your car to show you have donated to the charity. You can also receive a tax break come April. Can we sign you up for this sir?
Me: This is for the police?
Tele: Yes Sir. They are protecting and serving as we speak.
Me: I hate cops.
Tele: (chuckle) Excuse me sir?
Me: I hate cops. All they do is harass people and eat donuts when they should be out actually fighting really crime instead of pulling people over for doing 3MPH over the speed limit.
Tele: Oh. Well…
Me: You said I get an official sticker with the donation?
Tele: (thinks there is hope) Yes sir, you get this sticker to place on your car to show you have donated to the FOOP.
Me: What if I just make my own sticker?
Tele: What?
Me: What if I scan in an actual sticker, manipulate it in Photoshop, print it out, and stick it on my car? That way I am not paying $500 for a piece of paper that might get me out of a traffic violation?
Tele: Sir, it would be illegal if you…
Me: I hate cops. I hate cops and I hate children.
Tele: I see Sir. Well, thank you for…
Me: I like drugs. Lots of drugs.
Tele: Good Bye!!

Field calls for another person who dialed the wrong number:

Me: Hello?
Tele: Yes, is Kyle there?
Me: No, he actually just stepped out.
Tele: Oh, do you know where he went?
Me: I think he went to go to the store to buy diapers for his kid.
Tele: (sounds confused) What?
Me: I think he ran down the street to the store to buy diapers for his kid. Do you want to leave a message?
Tele: (sounds befuddled) Is this the phone number for Kyle Steele?
Me: It sure is. Would you like to leave a message?
Tele: Yeah, you tell that piece of shit Kyle that I don’t care if he ever calls me back because I don’t have relationships with people who hide the fact that they have children.
Me: Okay. That is odd that he is dating you, he is married to my mom.
Tele: What?! **slam**

Act like I am the person who used to have my phone number:

Me: Hello?
Tele: Yes, is this Kyle Steele?
Me: Yes it is.
Tele: Hi Kyle, this is Jessica with Student Financial Services.
Me: Okay.
Tele: We were calling today to inquire about your 8 month late payment for your student loans.
Me: Okay.
Tele: We were wondering why you haven’t made a payment for 3 quarters now?
Me: I don’t have a job, so I don’t have any money.
Tele: We understand people fall on hard times. Do you think you could make a payment today before we send this account to collections?
Me: I just said I didn’t have a job.
Tele: Could you borrow the money from someone there? Possibly a parent, brother or sister, or maybe a good friend?
Me: No. I don’t have any living relatives. I should have some money tomorrow maybe.
Tele: Great, how much do you expect to get?
Me: around $2,500
Tele: Wow, well that would definitely keep your account out of collections. Would you like to setup a payment via check today?
Me: No. I don’t know for sure if I am going to get the money. I am supposed to drop off the kilo to a buddy of mine and he said he should have the money tomorrow, but since he is doing more coke than selling it, I might not get paid for sure.
Tele: What?
Me: I sell cocaine. I guess I do technically have a job, but I have to say I don’t since I don’t pay taxes on any of my sales.
Tele: Ummm, Oh….
Me: Yeah, it was the only thing left around here to do.
Tele: Sir, are you going to make a payment or not? (getting angry)
Me: Actually, on second thought, I don’t think I will ever payback that loan. I really didn’t like the college I went to and didn’t learn a whole lot, so why don’t you go ahead and send that baby to collections? Yeah, I am pretty positive I am never going to pay that off.
Tele: (angry) Sir, if we send this account to collections it will adversely affect your credit rating for years to come..
Me: I said I don’t give a shit. If I am going to buy anything I will use cash and not credit. Being a drug dealer give you access to large quantities of money.
Tele: Very well Sir, you leave me no choice.
Me: Burn in hell you aardvark lover **click**

Give unexpected answers to trip up the telemarketer reading from a script:

Me: Hello?
Tele: Hello is this Mr. LaVarious?
Me: Speaking.
Tele: Hello Sir. My name is Judy and I work for Sedona Pines Condominium Sales. We are located near Sedona, Arizona in the White Mountains and are currently setting up tours for our properties for exclusive clients. We understand your time is important so we are willing to send you and one other person to any West Coast destination of your choosing for 2 days if you will accept the tour invitation. You do like to travel don’t you sir?
Me: No.
Tele: (sounds confused because this answer wasn’t on her script) Oh…..umm……why not?
Me: I am a hermit?
Tele: Oh, okay. So you don’t like to travel? (trying desperately to get an answer on her script)
Me: No, I just said I was a hermit.
Tele: (sounds even more confused) A What?
Me: A hermit, like a recluse.
Tele: A recluse?
Me: Yeah, you know a hermit. I hate people.
Tele: Oh, well I guess you wouldn’t be interested then. Good day.

Have telemarketers call for the “home-owner”, I rent:

Me: Hello?
Tele: Hello, is this the man of the house?
Me: Yes.
Tele: Hi Sir, my name is Mandy and I am with Bee-line Windows and Air-Conditioning.
Me: Hello.
Tele: Yes, we were calling to see if you currently need any Windows or Air-conditioning place in your home?
Me: (ps: I rent) Well, we just had the house built about 2 years ago, so I think everything is up-to-date.
Tele: How much are you spending on Air-conditioning per month in the summer?
Me: Well, I think we pay around $4,250.
Tele: Wow, that is a lot of money sir.
Me: It isn’t bad.
Tele: (sounds excited) How many square feet is your home?
Me: Well, we have the main house which is around 50,000 sq ft and then we have the guest house which is another 9,000 sq ft. Plus, we have the indoor pool house that is 5,000 sq ft.
Tele: That is a lot of property sir.
Me: Tell me about it. I have to have 12 maids on duty 24/7 to keep the place clean. My wife is a real pig and she is addicted to tranquilizers.
Tele: Well, it sounds like there is nothing we can do for you. Have a good evening.

Allow the telemarketer to believe he has the sale of the century:

Me: Hello?
Tele: Yes, is this LaVarious?
Me: Yes.
Tele: Yes, I was calling with Sprint Long Distance. Do you currently use Sprint as your provider?
Me: Nope, we use TDL Limited. (not a real company)
Tele: Great. We were calling tonight to see if you’d like to try Sprint long distance. If you switch we are willing to give you $100 to spend on whatever you’d like. How much do you currently pay in long distance a month?
Me: We pay around $1,200 a month in long distance.
Tele: Wow, it sounds like we could help you out. How much do you pay per call?
Me: I believe it is around 3.5 cents.
Tele: (sounds taken aback) Really? You only pay 3.5 cents per minute?
Me: Yep, we make a lot of calls since we run a business out of the house.
Tele: Well, that sounds like a better rate than I can offer you. Do you currently have internet access in the home?
Me: Yes, but we are looking for a new provider.
Tele: (gets excited) Great, maybe we can help you out there sir. What are you currently running in the home?
Me: Right now we have 2 dedicated DSL lines coming in, but this just isn’t adequate for our needs.
Tele: Okay, and what are you looking for?
Me: I am wanting to have 3-4 T3 and 1 T1 line ran into the home.
Tele: (sounds like she is going to piss her pants) I see. We could definitely help you out. Let me create a purchase order for you. (spends the next 10 minutes adding everything in and getting it setup, including the cost to have several telco boxes installed for my lines which means more order forms)
Me: (as she is finishing up) Yes, I was also wanting to purchase satellite uplinks. I would say 3 would be adequate for what we want to use them for. Do you offer this?
Tele: (sounds like she is having an orgasm) Yes sir, we do offer those at $15,000 per month. Would you like to add 3 of those.
Me: Yes.
Tele: One moment, for orders of this magnitude I need my manager to confirm this order.
Me: Sure.
Tele: Hello sir, this is Mike and I am Judy’s manager. I see here you are wanting to purchase 4 T3 lines 1 T1 line and 3 satellite uplinks. Is this correct?
Me: Yeah, I guess. I really don’t know much about computers and I told Judy I wanted to get on the internet like my son and run something like AOL.
Tele: Excuse me?
Me: Yeah, I just wanted AOL or something like it so I can email my son and he can send me the grandchildren’s photos.
Tele: Covers phone to converse with “Judy”
Tele: Sir, Judy says you were running a business out of your home and you needed all of this extra infrastructure.
Me: Judy is a goddamn lying gutter slut tramp. I fucking hate her and I will NEVER use Sprint again because you people are not Christian and are trying to cheat me out of money. **Slam**

As you can see over the years the stupid little game has advanced more and more. After time I have become adept at telling a telemarketing call from a regular call, so I am ready to spring my evils upon them at a moments notice. What makes this even better is now that we are out sourcing telemarketing to India I get to screw with an entire different culture. One of my favorite calls to date was only answered a mere 3 weeks ago. The call had to last close to 30 minutes and the poor Indian people of the other end had no clue what has happening. It was sheer perfection and my crowning achievement to date. This call has seriously made me reconsider purchasing a voice activated tap for my phone to capture moments like this:

Me: Hello?
Tele: (2 seconds of silence and then a thick Indian accent) Hello Sir. I was calling on be hath of Telcom Global. We are a VOIP provider of long distance and can offer you great saving on long distance by calling people over the internet through your computer.
Me: Okay.
Tele: Yes sir and we offer very low rate of 2 cents a minute in the US and 3 cents a minute to Canada. Now…
Me: (I interrupt) Wait. I can call Canada?
Tele: (sounds excited) Yes, you can call Canada.
Me: Wow, I’ve never called Canada.
Tele: Yes sir. Now how this works is your computer acts like a gateway to the internet. Since you connect….
Me: (interrupting again) I can call Canada?
Tele: (still excited) Yes, you can call Canada!
Me: Wow.
Tele: Now your computer acts as a gateway and your voice travels through your computer and onto the internet like a regular phone. Once you click….
Me: (interrupting yet again) You mean I can call Canada?!
Tele: (On the verge of orgasm) Yes sir!! You can call CANADA!!
Me: Wow, I can call Canada!!
Tele: Yes sir. Now once you click on our icon you are opening a program that will act as your phone. What this means is…
Me: Can I call Germany?
Tele: (cresting in his orgasm) YES YOU CAN CALL GERMANY!!! Isn’t it great!!!???
Me: Wow, I can call Germany!!!
Tele: Yes sir, now what we need to know is….((he garbled the English language with his thick accent. For all I know he could have been reading me the forbidden secrets of World War II and I would have never have known)) So sir, do you have a computer?
Me: Yes, I have a computer. My son helped me purchase it.
Tele: Great and do you have internet access?
Me: What? Inter-what access?
Tele: The internet. The World Wide Web. Can you access it?
Me: No, I don’t think I have that.
Tele: (sounds disappointed) Sir, you must have an internet connection to use our product.
Me: My son has the i-n-t-e-r-n-e-t I think. He tells me that there is a giant spider web where people “jack-in” to the world wide web with a plug on the back of their skulls and they access the internet and speak with the oracle and morpheous.
Tele: Yes, that is the internet. ((More completely unintelligible gibberish and he is probably just telling me a recipe for couscous or something.))
Me: I can call Canada?
Tele: (excited again 2.0) Yes, you can call CANADA!!
Me: Wow, I can call Canada!!
Tele: Sir, unfortunately you need an inter….
Me: (interrupts) My son says that there are pornography viruses on the internet. Are you trying to sell me pornography viruses?
Tele: No sir. We are not, we are trying to sell you long distance so you can….
Me: (interrupts) He said that Morpheous said you were trying to sell me pornography viruses and I shouldn’t talk to you.
Tele: No sir, we are only trying to sell you long distance.
Me: So, Trinity says it is okay if I talk to you?
Tele: Yes!! ((garbled language yet again)), but you must have an internet connection.
Me: My son runs on the AOL and I think he looks at that filthy porn. He says on the internet agents attack you and you can jump really high and fly all around like you are superman.
Tele: Yes, that is the internet.
Me: I am going to purchase this internet so I can access your phone service, but I am not getting a plug in the back of my head. Plugs scare me.
Tele: Great Sir! Let me send you to my supervisor so she can assist you further.
Me: I can call Canada?
Tele: (He just had another orgasm) YOU CAN CALL CANADA!! Please hold.
Me: (trying hard not to piss my pants laughing)
Tele: (In a completely normal American sounding voice) Hello Sir, this is Camille and I am Punjab’s supervisor. He said you had some questions?
Me: (Trying to figure out if this call is still in India or not) Yes, my son says that on the internet there are pornography viruses that people can get. Are you people trying to sell me one of these?
Tele: No sir, we are not selling wiruses (I knew right there with the ‘w’ sound in place of the ‘v’ sound that we were still in India)
Me: No, I don’t want any walruses.
Tele: No, not Walruses, Wiruses.
Me: Walrus?
Tele: No, Wirus….Birus……virus
Me: No, I don’t want any viruses thanks.
Tele: No sir, we do not sell these, we sell long distance.
Me: Oh.
Tele: Do you have a computer?
Me: yes
Tele: Do you have a connection to the internet?
Me: My son says that people have plugs in the back of their heads and they “jack-in” to the Internet where they can fly around and jump really high and they fight agents, because the agents are always after them for having the pornography viruses. He said you can do anything on the internet and that is where his friends hangout.
Tele: Sir, that is a movie.
Me: He has a computer and he is running the AOL and his friends said that agents are everywhere. His friends are Morpheous and Trinity and he says they fight people on the internet all of the time. I don’t like fighting.
Tele: No, sir that is a famous movie.
Me: It is a movie? My son says he is Neo.
Tele: No, your son is probably playing video games with his friends online.
Me: But my son is 35?
Tele: Oh, well do you have an internet connection?
Me: No, but I am going to get one to use your service.
Tele: Okay, you will need to have a broadband connection and….
Me: My son says agent smith is always after him and he can fly through the sky and talk to the Oracle.
Tele: Sir, that is a movie starring Keanue Reeves.
Me: Keanue Reeves?
Tele: Yes, the famous actor Keanue Reeves.
Me: Oh, this one time we went to the movies so the kids could see Keanue Reeves in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.
Tele: Yes sir. Now, would you like to purchase..
Me: (interrupts) Actually why don’t you speak with my son about this tomorrow.
Tele: Okay what time is best?
Me: Well, he works all night and he sleeps most of the day. He also has a date with that slut Margret down the street who works at the Super Wal-mart in LaGrange. Why not this time tomorrow?
Tele: Okay we will call him this time tomorrow. And let me verify that you live in Arizona?
Me: No, we live in Oklahoma.
Tele: Right. We will give you a call tomorrow.

There you have it, some of my telemarketing exploits over the years. Of course this is only a sampling of the absolute hell I put these people through. Their pain, my happiness, it is all one giant circle. Maybe I should record this crap so it can be your happiness too. Hey, you did pretty good if you actually made it all the way through this article and if not then I condemn you to 123,445,567,778 hells with demigods poking you with sharp sticks. I can call CANADA!!!

**Bonus**

Did you love the Telemarketing Hell article? Then you need to head over to my new Telemarking Pranks section to listen to actual prank phone calls recorded in mp3 format by yours truly.

 

-LaVarious
04 -05-05