As we continue on with our Star Wars themed month leading up to the release of Revenge of the Sith, I have gone out and purchased more Jedi themed crap than you can shake a lightsaber at. I spied this toy when purchasing the Vader lightsaber, but needless to say my funds were drained at the time. This little bad boy is created by Tiger Electronics and is crafted to resemble a Jedi training droid from the Star Wars universe. You plug this bastard into the TV and off you go to begin your Jedi training or sweat your fat ass into a heart attack if you are like me.

Sure I was skeptical, but I figured with a videogame type device retailing for $60 this thing had to be cool or at least be able to hold my attention for 5 minutes. That is correct a precious 5 minutes of my time will cost you $60 and if you want a cocoa butter massage you can plan on spending an easy 1k on my services. All the ladies swear by it!! No seriously, they do swear…and kick...a lot.

The first thing you do when you pick up a box is look to see how many batteries it is going to take. How many times have you gotten a toy home only to find out that you needed batteries and now it is 1am and all the stores are closed, so you are trying to steal batteries from your remotes or anything within plundering distance but they are all juiced out, so you try to harness the power of a lemon to power your new gadget? Never? Then you are a sad sad person. Luckily I purchased batteries before hand and we have an ample supply of at least 400 AA batteries at all times.

I break open the box when I get home and start messing around with the mini-lightsaber you are supposed to wield during game play. It is a generic looking thing, but you know it is supposed to be a lightsaber, even though it looks more like a stun stick from Demolition Man. Damn you Sylvester Stallone! Double damn you Wesley Snipes!! Triple dog damn you Flick!!! I start looking for a button to push on the lightsaber-mini to activate it, but I find nothing and weep silently on the inside. I then begin looking for a place to install the batteries. Again, I am met with disappointment at every turn. I don’t really understand how a wireless device, such as this lightsaber-mini, can function without batteries but it got me thinking. If George Lucas could consume the souls of Ewoks and then harness their energy into a beam and capture that inside each lightsaber-mini, you wouldn’t need batteries to power it. Did you hear that kids? The lightsaber that comes with this game is powered by the souls of Ewoks!! Nothing gets better than that, unless you are talking about Ewok steaks basted in a garlic butter sauce.

I pull out the “training droid” next and check it out. All the batteries power this thing so you don’t need to hunt down and kill gelflings to get it up and running. There is a simple off/on switch located on the back as well as an A/V output and an input for a power cord adapter, though they were too cheap to provide one. The droid actually looks really cool and I had to stop myself about a half dozen times from just picking it up and licking it.

I get the TV setup, plug in the training droid, pick up the lightsaber, and then realize that a 27 year old fat kid is standing in front of his TV in his underwear holding a tiny lightsaber-shaped dildo while slashing about like Helen Keller on angel dust. I am sure my neighbors love me since I leave the balcony blinds open 24/7. Hey, if you can’t entertain others in the comfort of your own home, what else can you do? Yes, I know, EAT is the term you are searching for. You are ruining my life!

So I start playing the game and even though the graphics are about the quality you’d expect from a Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis, I am having a blast. The first few missions are easy enough. We start the game during the Phantom Menace and have to duel Obi-Wan Kenobi, who looks more like Tom Cruise from The Last Samurai. I kill droidekas, battle droids, probe droids, super-battle droids, and finally Darth Maul. Yeah, poor Darth Maul doesn’t stand a chance against a fat kid in his underwear holding a jedi dildo, but he eventually got the last laugh. After defeating poor Darth Maul I slump to the floor in a pile of sweat and wheezing. I now understand why there are no fat jedi.

Game play is a little more dynamic than your average button masher. You have to swing and maneuver the lightsaber to get the same action on the screen. So if you want to slash left, you physically have to do it with your lightsaber-mini. This definitely adds a new dimension to game play, but those of us who are skinny-impaired might find it more effort than it is worth. Maybe George Lucas has teamed up with Arnold Schwarzenegger to get fat kids off the couch and in motion. Put down those Cool Ranch Doritos and pick up this finely crafted lightsaber dildo!! Nice try physically fit America, but we are on to you!

I kept playing the game about three more levels until all of the blood in my arm was in my right hand, which was slowly going numb. I find that if I am going to slash at my TV with a little lightsaber, I am going to do it with all of the effort I can muster and pretend I am swinging a real lightsaber at 16-bit battle droids bent on my destruction. Why? I have no clue, but by the time I was done my hand was the size of a large squash and the pores on my hand were slowly leaking blood from the intense pressure it was under. I was one pin prick from popping my right hand and having to install a hook in its stead. YARR me MATEY!!

The game takes us through the entire series, including Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. I can’t vouch for that myself since I am now in the Episode II: Clone Wars part, but the box boasts duels with all of the greats including Darth Maul, Qui-gon Jinn, Obi-wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker, Darth Vader, Count Dooku, Yoda, Emperor Palapatine, and Snuffle-up-igus. It basically follows the storyline from the first 6 movies with you as a new Jedi padawan training to become a Jedi Knight. At the end of the game you are awarded the rubber-ducky of power which gives you powers far surpassing those of Master Yoda or the Emperor.

Over all the game is fun and is by no means easy in the later levels. I do wish the lightsaber was larger so I don’t look even fatter while I am holding it, but I can deal with that trade off and pretend I am a pretty pretty giant who hates battle droids. Though I would not recommend the game to anyone who has physical aliments, I have to say I have probably gotten my $60 out of it already. I also have to say my right arm is DAMN sore from all of the wild swinging and flailing about. I would suggest they drop the retail price down to $40, but they know damn well any Star Wars fan will sell his children into slavery to own that one last Star Wars oddity on the market. Plus, if I do get tired of the game, you can never go wrong owning a Star Wars themed dildo or selling it on eBay for 362 GAZILLION dollars.

 

-LaVarious
05 -02-05