LaVarious.com: A wonderland of uselessness

Well, it is Valentine’s Day and since I had already celebrated this weekend by getting drunk and playing Star Wars Galaxies I didn’t really have much planned for an article or anything else this week. That all changed when checking my email today I found the most bizarre message I have ever received from my domain name registrar. Click on the image below to see what I was treated to.

Yeah, pretty damn bizarre, but pretty funny none-the-less. There was no promotion, no special offer, no coupon, just a weird flash animation. I decided that since they were kind enough to send me a Valentine I would write a letter to their web board support staff to let them know how much I enjoyed the email sent from their owner, Bob Parsons. I can only imagine this letter hangs above lake Michigan to this day. I have also attached an image of Bob the founder and owner of GoDaddy Software, the person who sent me my Valentine. That little sweetie!!

Dear Support Staff,

It isn’t often that a person such as myself receives many Valentine’s Day cards. Sure, people like to give me things like black eyes, coffee enemas, a punch in the ol’ pie hole, but never a sexy Valentine’s Day card. You know, I was sort of aroused by it, but then I thought about Bob and it was kind of creepy, but not creepy enough to take that romantic atmosphere Bob set by lighting that candle and playing that retro-funk porn music in the background.

Then it dawned on me that Bob Parsons is just damn sexy. Not in a homosexual way, but in a YARR TIS BE A PIRATE sort of way. I love listening to the radio show to hear his sweet melodic voice waft over the airwaves at me. Little did I know Bob had rum on his breath, a peg on his leg, and was wearing a masculine eye patch to boot. Pirates are just damn fine and they get to wear all sorts of accessories, not to mention hooks for freakin hands!

I was wondering when and if Bob might be calling me? He was such a gentleman to send me a rose and provide the mood lighting, I can’t imagine he is the type to turn on the softcore porn music and causally stroll out of the room without a second glance or a goodbye. No, Bob is a debonaire pirate master and would never abandon ship on this love he has kindled. Bob, my love is so hot it might burn you and set your sails on fire. Meow!!

Tonight I am sitting here enjoying a box of Wal-mart’s finest wine while the music from your Valentine plays lightly in the background. All that is illuminating the room is the soft glow flickering from the digital candle you sent me on my laptop computer. Bob, I am not wearing any underwear, nor am I prescribed Valtrex. Set sail on the USS Valentine Romance and stand on the bow of the ship with me like Kate Winslet got to do with little Leonardo DiCapprio. Sure, I may be an overweight fat man, but I can still put my hair in pigtails for you and giggle at all of your jokes like a flustered school girl.

No matter what you decide, Bob, my Jolly Roger will always be at full mast for you. Times like these make me want to cry, not in a homosexual way, but to cry like the first time I saw Fried Green Tomatoes, or the first time I sat on a giant ball of duct tape without any pants on. I will be here waiting for you, I know you will be here soon, or at least I hope so because I am not sure how much longer this whip cream bikini will last since I am getting kind of hungry. Thank you for the great memories, Bob. They will be cherished always. A-YO-HO-HO.

XOXO

LaVarious

I hope all of you have a great Valentine's Day filled with Twinkies and Ludes.

-LaVarious
2 -14-06

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