It seems my plan of adding a new ring of fat
around my body each year, much like a tree, has backfired. I don't
mind being a complete lard ass, but there is a point in fatness
that not even I reach for to attain, so I tried to think up something
interesting to make me lose weight. I figured that with all of
the deep fried babies I have ingested and McDonald's hamburgers
something had to give, so I decided to give up my precious precious
lovely meat for one month. Why do you care? Well, I don't really
have any actual willpower, so I figured if I did this stunt for
an article I would be likely to make it through a month without
any lapses. So technically I guess I am doing this for you. Well,
you and strippers...god I love strippers.
The rules are pretty straight-forward. I cannot
eat meat for one month. I am not trying to go all tree-hugging
vegan on you, so I can still consume as much cheese and milk as
I want. I could have a feast of Ben & Jerry's every night
if I wanted to, but that isn't the point. The point is to see
if by becoming a vegetarian for 1 month if I lose any weight or
if my teeth fall out and I speak in tongues. Each day I will take
a photo of my meals, give a description of what I have consumed,
and take a photo of me on my digital LED scale. This is going
to freaking rock...Fraggle Rock!
What will happen to me on the last day? Will
I become a vegetarian for good? Will I have a gluttonous feast
of flesh consisting of ham hocks and steak mashed into a large
meat log? Will I shove various objects up my ass simply because
I am bored? No one knows the answers to these questions and that
is why we are doing this experiment. I don't imagine I will lose
too much weight. Sure, I can pack on a few pounds a day, but trying
to get those pounds back off is near impossible. Sure, I could
exercise; but sitting on my ass in an office chair 17 hours a
day playing Battlefield 2142 is much more fun than jogging on
a retarded treadmill.
Enjoy the posts below. Each post will have a
date and some photos so you can keep track of what is going on.
I will break each week up into a new page with a final results
page at the very end. Wish me luck and send me sweet meat thoughts
in my fever induced spicy meat dreams. See you at the end of this
crap.
| 10-23-06 Monday
Well, today was the first day
I decided to go vegetarian. I pretty much snacked on trail
mix all day and for dinner went to Subway for a Veggie Delight
with a side of cheddar and sour cream Baked Lays. I had
a root beer to drink but it had extra carbonation in it
and was kind of disgusting so I drank about ¼ of
it and threw it away. Daniel, my personal Subway worker,
cheered my on as I embarked on my new meatless journey for
a month. Daniel may say he is Daniel LaRusso and that he
trains with Mr. Miyagi, but he is only lying and is probably
looking through your purse as he confuses you.
I got hungry last night around 11pm while
I was watching a show about the history of Dracula, so I
went ahead and made some macaroni and cheese, or is it cheese
and macaroni, or is it Kraft can suck a goat ball? I bet
Dracula ate a lot of mac and cheese because that is what
royalty ate back then. Well, mac and cheese and roasted
el chupacabra with a lemon-butter sauce. I cried a little
bit on the inside as I shoveled the slimy gruel down my
gullet.
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| 10-24-06 Tuesday
Day 2 of veggie month was pretty uneventful.
I ran to Quiznos on my lunch break and had a snickerdoodle
cookie wrapped in raw bacon and a Sobe beverage. You'll
probably find me over at Quiznos almost everyday for lunch
eating the same exact crap because it is so close to where
I work. I like to go over there and read for an hour on
my lunch break. I go in there so much that they know who
I am and sometimes give me my shit for free. I love free
shit.
For dinner I had 2 cheese enchiladas
with a side of rice and beans. I found out today that some
people doubt I will be able to make it a full month without
meat. That was pretty interesting since it just pissed me
off causing me to set their house on fire and resolved me
to make it a full month even if I am visited by the meat-fairy
and it rains pepperoni and he slaps me with his sausage
wand. Wow, that was pretty homoerotic. I also snacked on
some Halloween gummi treats that I bought for my Halloween
article I have yet to do. Maybe I will work on that tomorrow.
|
| 10-25-06 Wednesday
Today was more of the same for lunch.
I hit up Quiznos and had a cookie and a Sobe. Then I lapsed
into a coma for about an hour until it was time to head
back to work. So far I haven't really missed meat at all
and I haven't been craving it, well except for man-meat...I
can't get enough of that.
For dinner I headed to Outback
Steakhouse with my Nephew. Yes, it was an evil evil evil
temptation to be in the holy of all holy steak restaurants,
but I held fast to my new found diet and had some sort of
Wahalla Pasta crap. It sort of tasted like buttery ass hair.
I am definitely not a fan and won't be ordering that shit
ever again. I think I am going to go throw up now.
I am extremely happy to see
that becoming a vegetarian has made me gain 2.5 pounds...that
makes me so unbelievably joyful I think I will jam piping
red hot forks in my eyes and prance around like a swedish
school girl in a lovely blonde wig. Fucking vegetables. |
| 10-26-06 Thursday
Today for lunch I actually got something
to eat at Quiznos instead of a cookie. I dined in splendor
with a Double Cheese Melt and a bag of Baked Lays. The Double
Cheese Melt was tasty and I washed everything down with
a ice cold Mountain Dew...the nectar of the gods.
I decided to forego dinner
because I felt like ass, but I did eat something called
a Moose Munch bar. Yeah, it sounds pretty disgusting, but
that shit was awesome. It was a chocolate covered bar filled
with all kinds of pork giblets and gravy. By pork giblets
and gravy I mean caramel corn and an ewwy-gooey caramel
river. Doesn't it just scream health food? I think I just
wet myself.
|
| 10-27-06 Friday
T.D.V.I.F - Thank Dark Vader Its Friday!
I skipped the usual Quiznos routine for lunch today because
I was busy with work, but the company bought pizza for everyone.
I sort of forgot about it until around 3pm so I headed down
to grab a few slices of cold Dominos' cheese pizza. So wary
to make sure it contained no meat I dug my grubby fingers
through it before ingesting it. Too bad I didn't check my
fingers for ebola first.
For dinner Lori and I headed to TGI Fridays.
I didn't just get the irony of my above statement and the
fact that we went to TGI Fridays on a Friday until just
now. Christ I am slow. Where is my helmet? Anyway We ordered
some weird crispy green bean fries, which sort of tasted
like deep fried zucchini, and I had a succulent rack of
lamb for my main course. Okay, it wasn't actually lamb,
though it kind of looks like it, it was a grilled mushroom
and some crappy pasta. I have figured out why you never
see a fat vegetarian...there is nothing for them to eat.
Well, I got the munchies again
last night as I watched my sinister and evil haunted shows
since it is Halloween weekend. Lori headed to the store
and purchased a bunch of vegetarian food for me to try,
so I broke into a package of the Veggie Corn Dogs from Morningstar.
I was leery of trying the corn dog since it looked and smelled
exactly like a regular hotdog, but the package said "100%
Vegetarian" and I didn't see meat listed anywhere in
the ingredients, not that regular hotdog's are made from
any nameable meat. So I gave it a try and have to say it
tasted pretty good for fake meat. I wouldn't normally eat
a corn dog, but the veggie corn dog seemed to hit the spot.
|
| 10-28-06 Saturday
I slept in till about 2pm on Saturday since
I was up watching scary movies really late the night before.
So I completely skipped any sort of lunch and I never eat
breakfast. We headed out to hit some haunted houses and
decided to swing up past Scottsdale to try out a vegetarian
restaurant called Pita Jungle. It was fucking awesome! I
was amazed to see hardly any meat listed on their menu and
tons of dished that were completely veggie oriented. We
got some humus for everyone to share as an appetizer and
I got some sweet veggie pizza to eat, and I think I shit
my pants right there because it was so good. My mom, who
is not a vegetarian and pretty much thinks all vegetarians
are some form a mongoloid, even loved her food.
|
| 10-29-06 Sunday
We got in late last night from the
haunted houses so I didn't wake-up until around 1:30pm this
afternoon. This is my first full week of being a vegetarian
and it really wasn't that hard. I did have a dream last
night that I ate a sandwich that was really good and then
I realized I was eating turkey on it and I ran to the bathroom
to throw up because I didn't want to start the article all
over again, so obviously even my subconscious is serious
about this. I ate the most disgusting thing tonight. It
was called a Boca Burger and it was basically like a soy-burger
for vegetarians, but it tasted like ass soaked cardboard,
so I ended up eating the bun, some fries, and my salad.
I almost vomited right on my plate after I took a bite,
so I am going to steer clear of those bastards from now
on. Yet another reason vegetarians are so skinny, they are
forced to be bulimic.
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Click
here to continue on to week 2 for my veggie fest 2006
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