Well, the holidays are over and we have another
ass-load of months until we get another break from our daily grind.
Being the slacker that I am, I decided to take a break from the
site and enjoy the time off from work and time spent at home watching
glorious Technicolor porn. All good things come to an end though
and for my return article I felt that it was only fitting to show
you the present I got for my parents this Christmas season.
Every year I try to get my parents some pretty
funny gifts so they have something to laugh about when the other
364 days I am a complete jackass. Last year they had a real full
size leg-lamp from the movie A Christmas Story delivered
to their house in a wooden crate packed with straw and the soft
glow of electric sex. Hell, they even got a telegram one week
ahead of the delivery informing them they had won a “major
award”. Needless to say they enjoyed their Christmas present
and couldn’t believe they were the proud owners of a real-life
leg-lamp. It has now officially replaced their Christmas tree
and is proudly displayed in their bay window for all to see through
the month of December.
This year I knew I had to go all out. What could
I possibly get them that would even remotely compare to an official
full-size leg-lamp? Well, my sick little mind worked night-and-day
until I had formulated the perfect gift for them. This was a gift
so unique and special that no one anywhere else in the world would
every own one. Yes, it was that friggin fantastic, much like me.
I have always wanted to go to one of those portrait
studios in Sears and take a photo of me and my wife. You know;
those stiff photos where they have the blended multicolor background
and everyone is wearing some sort of Bill Cosby sweater and looks
like fire ants are gnawing on their genitalia. Yeah, those always
looked like fun, but I had a little spin on my photo. I wanted
to dress all up and have Lori and I go and get the photo, but
I wanted to mess my hair all up and look like I was some form
of drooling deranged mongoloid. I can never get Lori to commit
to the photo, but this is where the original Christmas gift idea
was spawned from.
While walking through the mall one day I happened
upon one of those Hallmark stores, or some generic form of them
with little figurines, crying clowns, some cards, and other trinkets
and doodads that retarded people seem to enjoy. There in the corner
of the store was a blanket that had been custom wove with a wedding
photo on it. They also had one with a dog, one with two small
children, and I believe one of an old photo from the 1950's. What
they did not have was one of some form of mongoloid. I decided
I would help them out in that area and grabbed the digital camera.
It took about four-to-five photos before I could
contort my face enough and get that retarded keepsake I was hoping
for. I knew when I saw the last picture taken that I had scored
pure heartfelt Special Olympics gold. I quickly logged online
and placed my order with a note telling the company I was ordering
from that it was indeed a real order and not some sort of prank.
After weeks of pining by the door waiting for
my package to arrive I received a call at work one afternoon from
my wife informing me that my package had finally been delivered
and that she had opened it and pissed her pants laughing. With
excitement welling up inside I took off from work a little early
because the anticipation of seeing the fruits and labors of my
ill-conceived plan weaved into a personalized blanket was too
much for me to remain at work. Damn it, I spent a shit load of
money getting a retard weaved onto a blanket and I was going to
see it as quickly as possible.
I arrived home, unrolled the blanket, and doubled
over in laughter at what I had received in the mail. It was better
than I had ever hopped for with vivid in-your-face detail, larger
than life format, and seeing myself immortalized on a blanket
was just too freaking hilarious. We quickly packaged up the Christmas
gift and rushed over to my parents house to let them unwrap it.
The blanket idea was hilarious, quirky, and
completely original. I think this was probably the best gift I
have ever given my parents and couldn’t have been happier
with the turn out. If you would like your own LaVarious the Mongoloid
blanket email me and I will see what I can do for you. Who the
hell doesn’t want my morlock face on a blanket to accent
your room with?
My parents didn’t know what to expect
when they got their present, but after they opened it their reaction
is priceless. Click
here to view the video.
-LaVarious
1 -21-07
