Jason Voorhees You are Jason Voorhees. You seek one thing.... REVENGE! You dont care who gets in your way. When you kill you are always creative. You are strong and merciless. No wonder so many people are scared of you.
Monday, December 11, 2006 Some damn survey I filled out...
NEXTS
1. Next person you'll kiss: I am hoping to see a bum on my lunch break
2. Next movie you want to see: Probably some random porn movie, because I like porn. Porn, hamburgers, and clowns.
3. Next person you want to hang out with: No one. I think people are goddamn mongoloids. I am surprised most of them can even get through one day without killing themselves in some bizarre fashion.
5. Next time you're going out: You mean with people? Never. See question #3.
6. Next place you'll take vacation: Probably in my house jacked directly into the Matrix for 1 full week. In the Matrix my virtual self is actually skinny.
7. Next thing you are going to do after filling this survey out: Probably check out fark.com for some news, because it is Thursday morning and I am bored at work as usual.
8. Next thing you are going to eat: Dinner. I eat one meal a day and it usually consists of one screaming infant when I get home from work.
9. Next time you plan to be drunk: Who plans to be drunk? I just sort of let it happen, kind of like how I sort of bathe when I feel like it.
10. Next thing you are going to do outside: Probably run in the Boston marathon because I really love the outdoors. I am a real nature person. Frankly, I might as well be considered a hippie, if by hippie you mean someone who hates nature.
11. Next person you'd like to see fill this out: Timothy Leary, because he is dead and it would be pretty interesting if he could still fill it out as a reanimated corpse.
1. Last kiss: Some random stripper or maybe just my wife
2. Last person you hugged: Jesus...he makes me all warm and tingly inside
3. Last person you spoke to: I think it was a gigantic talking carrot in my dream last night
4. Last thing you ate: Small toddler slathered in BBQ sauce
5. Last smile: I am the smile bounty hunter
7. Last person you saved up money for: That lazy-eyed vietnamese prositute with one leg.
6. Last movie: Bridget the Midget: Midgets on Parade
8. Last school you went to: You mean the last school I went to firing my guns at the children during recess?
9. Last person you said I love you to: Myself in the mirror and then we made out.
10. Last run in with the Law: Probably Newton's Second Law: The relationship between an object's mass m, its acceleration a, and the applied force F is F = ma. Acceleration and force are vectors in this law the direction of the force vector is the same as the direction of the acceleration vector.
11. Last fight you were in: I fought a random homeless person for a banana late lastnight.
12. Last bar/club/concert you went to: Mrs. Snergle's 3rd grade class musical: Holiday's with the Holy Jihad.
13. Last person you instant messaged: If by instant messaged you mean punch directly in the eye, my wife. -------------------------------------------------------
Firsts
1. First kiss: Sandy the crack whore on 7th and Van Buren
2. First true Love: McDonalds
3. First heartbreak: The day I ate my first Happy Meal and realize it was all gone.
4. First pet: I had an armless mute gimp we called Franky who lived in my closet.
5. First computer: I was born in a Gibson Server, just ask Zero Cool.
6. First concert: It was probably when I belched the Alphabet Song during that PTO meeting last week.
7. First alcoholic beverage: I came out of the womb with a 5th of Jack. I was also on fire and had spikes covering most of my flesh. Sorry mom.
8. First time you stayed out all night: I went on a fruit roll-up bender in the 4th grade.
9. First best friend: Franky the mute gimp, I loved him.
10. First job: Does being sold into the asian sex slave market count?
11. First school: Probably in the lake where I swam when I was little, but I didn't see the fish.
12. First movie you watched in a theater: Do snuff films count?
13. First thing you really saved up money for: My first bottle of Valtrex, my genitalia burned with the herpes.
*RANDOMNESS* 1. the phone rings, who do you want it to be?: Mayor McCheese proclaiming I am King Hamburger
2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?: Normally because I can't fit it in my car.
3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?: I am a masturbater in general.
4. Do you take compliments well?: Yes, especially from people I pay to give them to me.
5. Are you an active person? If by active you mean complete lard ass who sits in a computer chair 24/7, shoveling cheeseburgers in to my gaping maw, and staying awake on pure caffeine...then yes I am active.
6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?: If I was fighting zombies you damn well bet I would survive. Filthy living dead.
7. Do you like to ride horses? Yes, I like to ride them over sheer cliffs; wait not ride, herd.
8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid? I had an extended stay in a psychatric ward once when I was 7 for trying to bite off my own face. Does the count?
9. What was your favorite game as a kid?: Set the bum on fire. Stab your friend 38 times in the head with a screwdriver.
10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married, would you get involved with him/her? Only if he/she was free of any venereal diseases and didn't smell like ham.
11. Are you judgmental?: I think you are a smacktard, does that count?
12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you? Only if they submit to Lothar King of the Hill People's jubuliant praise on Mondays and Thursdays by sacrificing a clown and eating its liver.
13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?: I like cavitating my hull.
14. Use three words to describe yourself: Stupid fat mongoloid
15. If you had to choose, would you rather be deaf or blind?: I would like to be both deaf and blind, also armless and legless. That way I could just sit there snapping at people with my drool splattered mouth and scream at them real high-pitched like a dolphin without forming words.
16. Are you continuing your education?: I like to touch myself to learn more about who I really am.
17. Do you know how to shoot a gun? Yes, only shoot at zombies and giraffes
18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you would save? My refrigerator.
19. How often do you read books?: Is pornography considered literature?
20. Do you think more about the past, present or future?: I think about trying not to crap my pants most of the time, because I really like to crap my pants.
21. What is/was your favorite children's book? I always liked it when daddy would come in and read me the stories from Penthouse. It still gives me a warm fuzzy feeling in my crotch.
22. Have you kissed any of your MySpace friends?: I once had a huge MySpace orgy and it rocked. Actually, since you are reading this you were there. You were so good that night you made me cry.
23. How tall are you?: Taller than a smurf, shorter than Optimus Prime.
24.Where is your ideal house located?: Far away from most of civilization where the only thing there is me, my cats, my wife, and hordes of zombies trying to eat us.
26. Last person you've talked to? I am talking to you right now, can't you hear me in your mind? It is almost like I am in the room with you isn't it?
27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?: No, unfortunately I am too fat to fit in one and the last time I tried we had to grease me up with Crisco so I could squish myself out.
28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden? The people at Olive Garden are commie pinko bastards whose food tastes like ass.
29. What are your keys on your key chain for? Locks.
30. Where was the furthest place you traveled today? In my mind I soared through the skies zipping and flailing about like a drunken Superman. In real life I walked into my kitchen and had a stroke.
31. Where is your current pain at?: I have a warm pain in my crotch; no wait, I just pissed myself.
32. Do you like mustard? Only on midgets.
33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?: I like to do both at the same time so I can achieve my potential of reaching an event horizon in my lifetime.
34. Do you look like your mom or dad?: Momgoloid
35. How long does it take you in the shower?: Who the hell said I even bathed?
36 Can you do splits? Yes, I am much like a 12 year old gymnast, you should see me on the pommel horse in my leotard.
37. What movie do you want to see right now? Something that has a lot of porn in it. Porn and Godzilla.
38. Do you put lotion on your dog or cats: Why yes I do. I bathe them in only the finest virgin olive oil I can afford, sprinkle them with some rosemary and sage, add a bit of lemon zest, and toss them in the oven for about 45 minutes.
39. What did you do for New Year's?: Masturbated to transexual midgets wrestling over a loaf of iron fortified wonder bread. You?
40. Do you think The Grudge was scary?: If by scary you mean completely retarded then yes I thought it was VERY SCARY.
41. What was the cause of your last accident? Mexican Food.
42. Do you own a camera phone?: Yes and it doubles as a magical dildo as well.
43. What are you drinking?: The souls of small children with a splash of cranberry.
44. Was your mom a cheerleader? She was more of a whore to be technically correct.
45. What's the last letter of your middle name?: N for none of your goddamn business you monkey fucker.
47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?: Not enough since I keep falling asleep at work.
48. Do you like care bears? Yes, they taste like butter.
49. What do you buy at the movies?: Sex
50. Do you know how to play poker?: No. Cards are for idiots.
51. Do you wear your seatbelt?: No. If I get in a wreck I am hoping to shoot out of the front of my windshield like a circus clown fired from an enormous cannon, only I will be fat and won't land in a net.
52. What do you wear to sleep? Usually just a silk cape and zippered gimp mask.
53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown? We were the first town to discover the Morlocks who lived in a vast underworld civilization in our sewers. We also had corn. Did I mention it smelled like pig shit most of the time? That was always pleasant.
56. Do you always read MySpace bulletins?: Not usually because most of them are retarded because they were written by retards. I have now joined their ranks. King Mongoloid.
58. Do you like funny or serious people better?: I like dead people. They always make me giggle when I poke them with a stick.
59. Ever been to Vegas?: Of course, where else is a fatass like me going to get a lap dance from some slinky petite asian stripper.
60. Did you eat a cookie today?: No, their round corners scare me and they mostly taste like anthrax.
61. Do you use cuss words in other languages?: Does STFU count as a different language?
62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?: Who the hell actually pays for music unless you are a complete and utter tool?
63. Is your cell usually on vibrate or ring? It is usually locked and padded.
64. Are you a gullible person?: No, I have never landed on an island with thousands of little people who tied me down and held me captive. Wait, I think that was Guliver, not gullible. Oh Well.
65. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: No, I have a wife and I like to beat her. Since I am done with this damn survey I think I will go do that right now.
Sunday, December 03, 2006 Saturday night in bizarro world...
After I woke up around 3pm I pretty much spent the rest of the day running around and purchasing a bunch of shit I really didn't need, like 12" Venom figures from Target. No, I couldn't only get 1 I had to buy 2. Why? Because I am retarded. After the shopping bonanza I needed to feast, so I decided to hit up Texas Roadhouse since I was no longer on a vegetarian diet. I turn off the interstate and see a mass of people swarming about outside. I laugh and can't believe my eyes and HAVE to drive into the parking lot to check this mayhem out. As the picture above illustrates this place was jam packed, with patrons spilling out from the sidewalk into the parking lot. You would have sworn there was a zombie uprising happening or some shit, but no...it was just a bunch of hungry mongoloids wanting to get their steak on. This was at 9pm on a freaking Saturday. Needless to say we decided to go elsewhere for dinner where it didn't look like the crowd waiting to get into the hottest new club in the city.
Around 1:45am we decided to make a Walgreens run because we were bored. Yet again I was happy as hell that I carry around my digital camera no matter where I go. In the lip balm isle I found the tube of crap above. It is called Chicken Poop and I guess you smear it on your lips. I couldn't put this shit down. Yes, those puns were intended. Checkout the website here.
As I was doing my Chicken Poop photoshoot my nephew starts dying laughing and tells me to turn the tube over and read the back. I was surprised and somewhat relieved to find out that Chicken Poop does in fact not contain any actual poop. Who the hell would use this shit(pun intended)? I mean lets say you were out on a date and your date gets up to use the restroom, but a tube of Chicken Poop falls out of her purse and onto the table as she leaves. What the hell do you really think to yourself while she is gone? I guess the real question would be: Are you still there when she returns? I bet you would be you sick deranged bastard.
We got the new xmas tree up this year. Actually there was no "we" in it, my wife put the damn thing up and I played Battlefield 2142 until my eyes started to bleed. I did get this sweet shot of one of my cats making a nest in the tree to spawn its offspring during the winter months.
There have been a few updates to the site. I have updated both the Tasty Meat Log and the Vegetarian for 1 Month articles. I also added a sub-navigation menu to the Vegetarian for One Month article to make it easier to check for updates and crap. I have also started editing the video for the Jones Soda Holiday Pack, but the article isn't up yet. I should be starting a new prank this weekend, or possibly next, depending on how fat I feel.
Champion Congratulations! You defeated the onslaught of corpses thanks to your knowledge of survival, and superior logic. After spending 10 - 20 years in complete isolation, your group will explore again to find that future generations will turn to people like you to rebuild society.
I have been sicker than hell over the Thanksgiving holiday, so not much has really went on with the site. I did fix a Tofurkey log, which is the vegetarian version of turkey, for Thanksgiving since I am trying to stick with my veggie diet another month or so. I prepared a Tofurkey log for me and my nephew, also a vegetarian, to eat for Thanksgiving and everyone ended up trying it which was pretty surprising. I didn't feel sick until about 1/2 way through dinner, so I got some good shots of the fake meat preparation:
This is how the Tofurkey looked after I unboxed it.
Here is the little bag for cooking all the goodies including the fake meat log and some veggies.
Here is the Tofurkey fresh out of the oven.
I did eat a LITTLE bit of the Tofurkey so I could tell you about it. I thought it smelled like either plastic or play-doh fresh out of the box. As it cooked an odd odor was released throughout the house, much like I thought fake meat might. When I cut open the fake meat log it did cut and feel much like regular turkey, but I thought it tasted like bland sawdust with maybe a little seasoning. I would rather eat no meat at all than fake meat. Once you've had real meat I don't think there is any way to really fake it and have it taste good.
I am getting better now, just it time for me to head back to work, but I did finish taping the Jone's Soda Holiday Pack review with my family tonight. So, as soon as I get the video edited and an article written I will post it on the site. I am hoping either later this week or possibly the first of next week. I hope you had a delightful holiday.
